Dancing Geek

Joely wrote a post about there being no “there” to go to and it got me thinking about where I was going on this (for lack of a better word) journey I’m currently on, that was originally started by a sense that I was in the wrong place.

There is no “there” to get to

The post mentioned (to paraphrase) the idea that being “nearly there” in terms of personal development is an ongoing situation.  That you don’t really ever get “there” because “there” is the make-believe utopian state of perfection that no person will ever reach.

This makes a lot of sense, but only I think after getting to the point where mindfulness has become a habit, at least for me.  I have gone through a series of steps that means I can, with hindsight, see how this has been true for me.  So far it’s been like this:

• At first there is the learnt numbness (for many different reasons; so many of us do learn it however)
• Then there is the dissatisfaction
• Then the decision to find another way (such a big deal at that time – and it is something to celebrate for each person)
• Then the drive to find some big white light
• And then the gradual realisation that it was something very small all along that needed to change

It’s the last part that I think is the realisation that there is no “there” to get to, that we aren’t broken, that we don’t need fixing, that we can accept ourselves as we are now, that we’ll never be finished and have no issues to work on.

This last step is accepting that we simply need to bring mindfulness into everything we do.

It’s almost disappointing

It’s such a small thing and yet it’s affect is so very profound.  Only when you’ve had time to see the massive impact that it’s had, to not just learn that mindfulness will do this and intellectually understand the principle, but to have actually experienced the massive changes that come about from being mindful, only then does it not seem like the tiniest thing.

So to get to that last step we* have to build up the change into something massive in our heads.  We have to feel that there’s something massively wrong with the way we are at first, we have to break through the inertia of living unaware, and it’s so hard to take that first step that we need an image of some amazing revelation, some bright white light, to get us going and keep us going through the difficulty that follows.

Unless we almost trick ourselves into trying out mindfulness in various different forms (possibly along with lots of other gimmicks) we can get stuck searching and researching for the grand unified theory of life without actually making the final realisation.

*We = people like me, not everyone

It’s rocking my world

For me, right now, this realisation is thoroughly profound.  I’m starting to see how chas can write that we should “revel in it“, it being the fact that we make up life as we go along, make mistakes and keep going anyway.

In fact, I was drafting a comment to respond and started writing things like “I’m not quite there, I don’t think” and “I’m still just not quite there yet.  Even if there’s no there to get to!”  Writing this post however has given me the perspective to see that I am there!  That this was just my “Tell myself I’m not ready so I don’t have to do the big scary thing of being out there in the world” pattern showing up again.

A perfect quote

I’m not a big fan of the ‘stick a quote under a title to make it look fancy’ way of writing, but for me, sometimes, a good quote is able to represent the meaning of a big jumble of thoughts.  It’s not really even a quote since I’m not sure if Byron Katie actually said these words, but it’s something I’ve written down, inspired by her work, and it sums up all of this for me quite nicely.

I’m doing the right thing, I just need to be thinking something different.

Apparently, the time it takes for my blog post writing page to load up is long enough for whatever thought came to mind to up and fly away again.

Ah, there we go, it’s back.

I was chatting with a group of friends recently (online friends via phone – does that count as IRL?) and I happened to mention how I found that if I just picked up the camcorder and prepared it that in that time I usually had an idea about what I could film for my dance vid of the day (which has been lacking these last 2 days, possibly because I haven’t picked it up – but I’m sat here in my pyjamas and right now there’s some stuff I’m not prepared to put online).

It’s a version of the ‘take a small step’ idea but with the added twist that once you’ve taken that step the terrain looks different, and what you thought would be the next step won’t necessarily be the step you next take.

This would explain why whenever I declare with ‘certainty’ that I’m going to do something, or go through a process or basically get to some end point which is not at the end of just one small step I seem to end up somewhere completely different.

And you know what?  I like where I end up – mostly.  The other times are just because I forget to stop fighting what is.

Completely unrelated

I was reading another of Jonathan‘s posts, this time about non-conformity.

I had a total flashback.  You see back in school I made a decision not to pretend to be someone else just to make people pretend to be my friend.  That falseness I could not stomach.  Only somewhere along the line it got twisted into a pattern where I always did what was contrary.  No mindfulness there then.

Being true to myself therefore has some baggage attached, hence it’s taking a bit of work to cast off some of that ballast.  Good news: I’m starting to get a feel for it.

Turns out it maybe is related

Jonathan mentions at the end that being true to yourself includes acknowledging that who you are changes, and therefore what you did 5 minutes ago may no longer be true to who you are now.

This could be used as an excuse to others to explain odd changes in behaviour (or yourself for that matter) but there’s no real point in either of these things.  Just learn to navigate by knowing who you are in the moment, by being in touch with what feels right to you as you are right now.  If other people need an explanation that’s about their stuff, not yours.  The only explanation that will abate them is one which makes them feel safe and protected.  The people who feel safe don’t need explanations.

Not sure what I’m talking about?

Earlier I posted my new Happiness Hypothesis (because alliteration is important) and this is where I look at where I am today to see if I can really test this out.  I mean, it’s not like I just made this stuff up, you know.

Current situation: bottleneck in Step 1

For me, balance is the largest dominating factor.  I feel restricted by the current quality of my fuel: of my current diet, relationships and quality of sleep.  (Which isn’t to say I don’t have some great friends, but that I want stronger relationships with them.)  I also feel that part of the reason for my weaker relationships is my ineffective approach to them due to my emotional intelligence.

I’m going to take a moment right now, however, to be massively grateful that I do not feel a lack in regards to the amount of food, sleep, or friends; in my fitness or mental agility; or in my warmth, safety and comfort.  I am truly fortunate.

For me, I believe this means that the best approach going forward is to continue the repetition of inquiry that my current energy levels allow but ensure a reasonable proportion of energy is used to work on my emotional intelligence and the quality of my diet, sleep and relationships.

The work required includes the inquiry about various thoughts, and as such the changing of various mental models. Therefore this work should not detract from my progress, but rather provide a specific focus to it in the short term.

Over the medium term this will hopefully lead to an increase in overall available energy, as well as requiring less energy to maintain these improvements, and as such allow for my focus to be returned to working directly on allowing greater happiness into my life.

I believe that this is a situation that may recur: as each improvement in the quality of my energy will allow a new peak in effort and stamina, then I will need to return to working on the quality of my fuel if I wish to achieve higher and higher peaks.  At some point I may decide that I am content with the level I have reached, however I can see at this point the potential for a cycle of working on my energy and then working on my blocks.

Further hypothesis: A three pronged approach

While my current focus is looking to include an indirect approach to happiness, in order to allow me to augment my abilities in the direct approach, I have found a pattern in the way that I have made the direct approach and include this here.

I have looked at this work through three different lenses, inquiring about my thoughts in each area:

• Self-acceptance
• Rewarding work
• Calm being

Self-acceptance is about how I think about myself.  It is within my control, I can work on it in private and the results are gratifying.  As such, I currently find this one the easiest path to follow.  The reflection to acceptance of the external is simply the application of any new skills and mental models to other things, and is almost automatic.  Indeed the converse is also true.

Rewarding work was my first route into this journey, and I hope in the future to return to that path and enjoy giving value to others, just as I have received so much from them in recent months and before.

‘Calm being’ is perhaps the hardest for me.  I can now meditate for 20 minutes without totally freaking out, an achievement which gives me great pleasure, but to change a habit engrained over nearly three decades, and supported by my home culture, of ‘frantic doing’ will be, I believe, the hardest and the most challenging.

Since all three are interlinked, I wonder if perhaps I will be lucky enough that working on the other two will allow me to make headway in this third path. Still, I suspect that they may well form the legs of a 3-legged stool, and I would not want my happiness to fall to the floor because of one weak leg.  Here I am uncertain, and open it to folk further down this path than I to speak.