Dancing Geek

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything, and part of that is because I was directing a lot of my energy into exploring a new technique (to me) called Core Transformation.  But that’s for another time.

Right now I just wanted to talk about how sometimes I can’t write anything down, because before I’ve even got halfway through writing a post my entire outlook has changed.  I can start a rant about something and before I’ve finished the act of bringing my attention to it has changed it.

So what to write about when everything I thinking keeps changing?  The answer: I’ll write about the fact that everything keeps changing so fast I can’t write about it!

A change in focus

The parts that are constantly changing are my patterns, or issues, or unhelpful thinking, or whatever term you use.  These can change so fast that my thinking transforms partway through forming a sentence.  Powerful and also thoroughly confusing when trying to form a post about my thoughts.

So for now I’m not going to write about my thinking.  I can mention that I had a panic about rejection again recently, but then realised that I didn’t need to by the time I’d written it down.  I can write that I suddenly remember how I judge people with my thinking, or react emotionally to what they do, only to then notice that my thinking is unhelpful and have it stop.  But by the time I’m sat down to write about it, or even just grabbed a pen and paper to make a note, it seems like ancient history already.  It’s over, in the past, and no longer important enough for me to need to give it more thought and energy.

I need something else to write about.  Fortunately, I have some new ideas.

I decided I’d try writing 3 pages by hand instead of going straight to blog today.  It turns out it was an amazing idea, even if I do have to re-type it now to share it.

The fact I can type quicker than I write doesn’t make up for the different feeling, and actually, it sometimes gave me the time I needed to see how I felt about something in order to respond.  Plus, it’s great practice in typing copy.

The following is the resulting written conversation with my Munchkin [with extra comments added in square brackets].

—

So I’m feeling stuck at the moment.  I’m not really feeling like I’m tackling stuff because I don’t really want to face it.  Part of me is shying away out of fear.  Can I talk to that fear perhaps?

Me: Hey fear, what’s up with you, how are you feeling?

Munchkin: Scared

Me: What are you scared of?

Munchkin: Pain, hurt.  I don’t want us to get hurt.

Me: What are you afraid we’ll get hurt by?

Munchkin: Memories, thoughts, feelings.

Me: But those things can’t really hurt us.  They’re just temporary, it’s not real except in our minds.

Munchkin: Yes, well that’s real enough.  And even if it’s just for a few days you know that feels like forever to us.

Me: That’s very true.  Even a small dip can feel really, very dark after a few days.  So I can totally understand why you’d want to protect me from that.  And thank you for looking after me.

Munchkin: That’s my job.

Me: Ok, well, would you mind if I explained how I’m feeling right now? [Oh wow, look at me, I listen first then ask if I can share.  I totally didn't mean to, I just didn't know where to start - this practice is awesome, it writes itself somehow.]

Munchkin: Ok.

Me: It’s just that because I’m not dealing with some of that stuff, I feel stuck.  And I’m feeling stuck for a lot longer than a few days.  I’m getting frustrated with us for not having cleared a lot of this stuff up already and that leads to me feeling depressed, which can also lead to several days of feeling very dark.

Munchkin: So even though I’m protecting you from one kind [of pain], that’s leaving you with another?

Me: Yeah.  Yeah, it is.  And that sucks for both of us, I totally get that [cause now Munchkin feels like he's failing].  And you’re totally not worthless, in fact you’re really helpful.  Cause I think if it all came at once I would be totally overwhelmed by it all.

Munchkin: Yeah!  Exactly!  that’s why I’m keeping it all stashed away! [Munchkin is now feeling heard and understood - yay!]

Me: And thanks again for looking out for me.  But I’m wondering if maybe I can ask you to do me a favour.

Munchkin: You can ask. [hehehe - I always say that too, I want to know what it is before I agree.  Clever Munchkin.]

Me: Well, what if, rather thank keeping them all hidden, which is also hurting me, what if we worked together to get rid of them, but one at a time.  Then you could relax, and I’d feel much happier.  I’d still need you around for a while, cause you do a really important job.  You really doi.  But I’m asking you to trust me with one or two of them on my own whilst you look aft erht others.  Would that be ok?

Munchkin: I guess so.

Me: Is there anything I can do to reassure you that I’ll be ok, that I can handle it?

Munchkin: Well, you could make sure you’ve got help & your friends are involved.

Me: That’s cool, I like having my friends involved.  [That would be you guys, by the way!]  Anything else?

Munchkin: I only want to give you one not too big one to start with.

Me: That’s cool too.  that way we can both see how it goes.  After all, I think that anger (not mentioned here) was a bit much for me, wasn’t it?

Munchkin: Yeah. I thought I’d never get that one back.

Me: Well ok, you pick a smaller one.  I trust you.  And we’ll see how we go, ok?

Munchkin: Ok.

Both: I love you!

—

This was totally awesome, and I felt so much lighter and free afterwards.  Because I’m also aware that I tend to forget these little mini-revelations and end up sliding backwards I had a further chat with the Munchkin and he introduced me to … The Memory Fairy!  (Ok, yes, there’s a part of me that is slightly ashamed of my use of Munchkins and Memory Fairies, but sod it it’s working right now, so roll with it, ok?)

I had a conversation with the Memory Fairy, and he’s going to help me to remember to talk to the Munchkin and co.  (It helps that he’s very handsome and clantily scad, what can I say it’s a damn good memory trick!)

My pasta is boiling over

So I had a bit of a holiday, because I needed one, because I’d been working through lots of thoughts and ideas and learning and changing and my brain and body needed a rest.

Only problem is, that after that I started to get that bubbling feeling, where I can tell there’s something under the surface starting to build up, like when I cook pasta on our annoying electric hob and because I can’t get the temperature right it’s constantly bubbling up under the lid.

Well, the starchy bubbles have started to pop out of the top of the pan, and they are spilling everywhere, making a mess, and generally unwelcome.  In the analogyverse the obvious thing to do is to take the lid off the pan.  However, that’s drastic, results in the pan then going completely off the boil and annoying to have to keep doing.

What I really want to do is get the temperature right so that I’ve got my pasta simmering away but the pan doesn’t spill over.

Balance

What I need is a balance so that I’ve got space for the stuff to come out, but that it’s not so much that I’m overwhelmed.  And in my mind I should be able to find a way for that to happen where I stay in a blissful state of balance the whole time, but I’m suddenly thinking, right now, that maybe that’s not going to happen.  That life doesn’t work like that and that it’s more a case of letting a little steam out every so often.  Little and often, my second rule for testing if something is true.

So if the method is more about little and often, about making it a practice rather than a state of being, what would that involve?

• Time to reflect
• Time to do
• Time to rest

So yeah, my holiday has interupted by Alternative MA, and that’s what it was supposed to do, but it’s also telling me that something wasn’t working.  Despite all my best intentions there apparently still wasn’t enough rest time.  Which is just horrifying, because I really tried to give myself lots of time out, more than I was necessarily comfortable with, and it looks like I need more.

Still, there’s a few things I can start back on now, including my practice for releasing a bit of the steam (Dance of Shiva, and writing here – you know, that 30 day trial thing I did a while back and haven’t wrapped up any lovely tidy conclusion from, before your mind starts wondering).

Time to do is things like the garden and cooking, both being things that are bringing me massive joy at the moment.  And lots of reading.

Rest?  That’s where I get stuck I think.  How to rest.  How to rejuvinate?  I’m so used to doing, I’m struggling to find ways of being that aren’t so far removed from the familiar that there’s no chance they’ll stick.  Add to that the fact that the second I ‘do something to relax’ it becomes another task on my list and brings all kinds of effort and expectations which are basically what I’m trying to rest from anyway.

Wise self: Dear James, you have permission to just chill out for a bit, ok?

Me: Ummm, how do I do that without ‘doing’ it?