Dancing Geek

I’m so grateful right now that I am able to laugh at myself.  Otherwise I’d probably be really angry right now just because I’m human.

Patterns etc.

Joely recently wrote about the repeated work that some patterns take.  I suspect it applies to all of them – they wouldn’t be patterns if they were so easy to overturn after all.

So why am I surprised to find the same ones keep cropping up?

Because I still like to think that each time I meet my patterns that this time I’ve dissolved them.  See why I’m laughing?!  Don’t you just want to pat me on the head and go “there, there”?  I sure do.

The latest realisation

I don’t change just because I want to, I also need to be ready to.  I’ll be ready when I can be grateful for where I am now, for all the lessons it has taught me, when I no longer fear or resist what is.

So let’s see, we’ve got…

• feeling of lack
• feeling broken
• trying to do rather than be
• impatience
• resisting what is
• non-mindful desire to change
• forgetting that change is only possible once you can see fully where you are at the moment

…and probably a load more.

As I said, at least I can laugh at myself for being surprised to see these again!  Because oh look, here’s some bigger patterns coming up again:

• being surprised to see patterns keep coming up (despite the fact that that’s their definition!)
• letting myself believe that intellectual learning is the same as living the realisation

It’s getting a little recursive with these so I’ll stop there.  But I’ve recorded my little thought above to remind me that what I want to be doing right now is nothing.  That right now my focus is on being, whatever that may turn out to involve.

Apparently, the time it takes for my blog post writing page to load up is long enough for whatever thought came to mind to up and fly away again.

Ah, there we go, it’s back.

I was chatting with a group of friends recently (online friends via phone – does that count as IRL?) and I happened to mention how I found that if I just picked up the camcorder and prepared it that in that time I usually had an idea about what I could film for my dance vid of the day (which has been lacking these last 2 days, possibly because I haven’t picked it up – but I’m sat here in my pyjamas and right now there’s some stuff I’m not prepared to put online).

It’s a version of the ‘take a small step’ idea but with the added twist that once you’ve taken that step the terrain looks different, and what you thought would be the next step won’t necessarily be the step you next take.

This would explain why whenever I declare with ‘certainty’ that I’m going to do something, or go through a process or basically get to some end point which is not at the end of just one small step I seem to end up somewhere completely different.

And you know what?  I like where I end up – mostly.  The other times are just because I forget to stop fighting what is.

Completely unrelated

I was reading another of Jonathan‘s posts, this time about non-conformity.

I had a total flashback.  You see back in school I made a decision not to pretend to be someone else just to make people pretend to be my friend.  That falseness I could not stomach.  Only somewhere along the line it got twisted into a pattern where I always did what was contrary.  No mindfulness there then.

Being true to myself therefore has some baggage attached, hence it’s taking a bit of work to cast off some of that ballast.  Good news: I’m starting to get a feel for it.

Turns out it maybe is related

Jonathan mentions at the end that being true to yourself includes acknowledging that who you are changes, and therefore what you did 5 minutes ago may no longer be true to who you are now.

This could be used as an excuse to others to explain odd changes in behaviour (or yourself for that matter) but there’s no real point in either of these things.  Just learn to navigate by knowing who you are in the moment, by being in touch with what feels right to you as you are right now.  If other people need an explanation that’s about their stuff, not yours.  The only explanation that will abate them is one which makes them feel safe and protected.  The people who feel safe don’t need explanations.

I have a point to make, and I actually want to make it quickly so I can get back to getting ready for bed, but before I do I have to let you know about a comic called Monique Marvez.  Go check her out.  It’s totally hetero-centric but it’s still some of the funniest (and truest) stuff I’ve heard in a long time.  Totally made my night/morning.

The Epiphany

So, yeah, I’ve a point to make.  After trying my morning practice for a few days, and having a great success from it, I decided it might be cool to try it before going to bed as well.  This comes from knowing that meditation is recommended either first thing or last thing (or indeed both) in some places, and I suddenly thought: “I get so clear headed after this in the morning, and hence ready to get on with my day, that maybe I can use that at night to get to sleep better.”

Bam!

As I sit here, at what was 3am but now thanks to Monique is 3.50am, and asked myself the question “How do I feel right now?” there was a whole pile of yuck that just tumbled up.

Sploooge! Ick, ick, ick. (Do the sound effects help?  I’m not going to stop if they don’t, because I love them, but I’m just curious.)

Well, gosh darn it, no wonder I avoid going to bed if the moment I start thinking about it a whole kit and kaboodle of gunk goes squishing through my wetworks!  Who’dathunk that the act of going to bed could have so much baggage attached?

Well, ok, you probably have, given how much I’ve written about it (recurring theme, much?) but the whole point of an Epiphany is when you suddenly go ‘ding!’ and realise (that is, remember) what everyone else already knew.  As Joely calls them: ‘Oh Bugger, Really?’ moments.

Hurrah for live-blogging at 4am

So now I get to go back to my feeling practice as it closes on to 4am and my feet lose all sensation from sitting still in this chair for hours on end without any heating turned on because I thought I was going to go to bed soon (I mean, come on, do I never learn?!) and know that I told you all how I crazy I was.

Wait, no, that’s tired cranky talk.  I’m actually really grateful to have reached a point and found a practice that work together so well for me.  I’m off to enjoy freeing up my mind to go sleepy-bies and I’ll catch you all on the flip side.

P.S. Today/tomorrow (given time-zones the day technically starts in a few hours for her) the Urban Panther is re-opening her blog on WordPress complete with fancy widgets and the ability to subscribe to comments (FINALLY!).  So I expect you all to head over and shout up the wonderfulness.  I recommend starting with the story posts – brilliant characters and setup.