Dancing Geek

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything, and part of that is because I was directing a lot of my energy into exploring a new technique (to me) called Core Transformation.  But that’s for another time.

Right now I just wanted to talk about how sometimes I can’t write anything down, because before I’ve even got halfway through writing a post my entire outlook has changed.  I can start a rant about something and before I’ve finished the act of bringing my attention to it has changed it.

So what to write about when everything I thinking keeps changing?  The answer: I’ll write about the fact that everything keeps changing so fast I can’t write about it!

A change in focus

The parts that are constantly changing are my patterns, or issues, or unhelpful thinking, or whatever term you use.  These can change so fast that my thinking transforms partway through forming a sentence.  Powerful and also thoroughly confusing when trying to form a post about my thoughts.

So for now I’m not going to write about my thinking.  I can mention that I had a panic about rejection again recently, but then realised that I didn’t need to by the time I’d written it down.  I can write that I suddenly remember how I judge people with my thinking, or react emotionally to what they do, only to then notice that my thinking is unhelpful and have it stop.  But by the time I’m sat down to write about it, or even just grabbed a pen and paper to make a note, it seems like ancient history already.  It’s over, in the past, and no longer important enough for me to need to give it more thought and energy.

I need something else to write about.  Fortunately, I have some new ideas.

Joely wrote a post about there being no “there” to go to and it got me thinking about where I was going on this (for lack of a better word) journey I’m currently on, that was originally started by a sense that I was in the wrong place.

There is no “there” to get to

The post mentioned (to paraphrase) the idea that being “nearly there” in terms of personal development is an ongoing situation.  That you don’t really ever get “there” because “there” is the make-believe utopian state of perfection that no person will ever reach.

This makes a lot of sense, but only I think after getting to the point where mindfulness has become a habit, at least for me.  I have gone through a series of steps that means I can, with hindsight, see how this has been true for me.  So far it’s been like this:

• At first there is the learnt numbness (for many different reasons; so many of us do learn it however)
• Then there is the dissatisfaction
• Then the decision to find another way (such a big deal at that time – and it is something to celebrate for each person)
• Then the drive to find some big white light
• And then the gradual realisation that it was something very small all along that needed to change

It’s the last part that I think is the realisation that there is no “there” to get to, that we aren’t broken, that we don’t need fixing, that we can accept ourselves as we are now, that we’ll never be finished and have no issues to work on.

This last step is accepting that we simply need to bring mindfulness into everything we do.

It’s almost disappointing

It’s such a small thing and yet it’s affect is so very profound.  Only when you’ve had time to see the massive impact that it’s had, to not just learn that mindfulness will do this and intellectually understand the principle, but to have actually experienced the massive changes that come about from being mindful, only then does it not seem like the tiniest thing.

So to get to that last step we* have to build up the change into something massive in our heads.  We have to feel that there’s something massively wrong with the way we are at first, we have to break through the inertia of living unaware, and it’s so hard to take that first step that we need an image of some amazing revelation, some bright white light, to get us going and keep us going through the difficulty that follows.

Unless we almost trick ourselves into trying out mindfulness in various different forms (possibly along with lots of other gimmicks) we can get stuck searching and researching for the grand unified theory of life without actually making the final realisation.

*We = people like me, not everyone

It’s rocking my world

For me, right now, this realisation is thoroughly profound.  I’m starting to see how chas can write that we should “revel in it“, it being the fact that we make up life as we go along, make mistakes and keep going anyway.

In fact, I was drafting a comment to respond and started writing things like “I’m not quite there, I don’t think” and “I’m still just not quite there yet.  Even if there’s no there to get to!”  Writing this post however has given me the perspective to see that I am there!  That this was just my “Tell myself I’m not ready so I don’t have to do the big scary thing of being out there in the world” pattern showing up again.

A perfect quote

I’m not a big fan of the ’stick a quote under a title to make it look fancy’ way of writing, but for me, sometimes, a good quote is able to represent the meaning of a big jumble of thoughts.  It’s not really even a quote since I’m not sure if Byron Katie actually said these words, but it’s something I’ve written down, inspired by her work, and it sums up all of this for me quite nicely.

I’m doing the right thing, I just need to be thinking something different.

There are people who will write those posts that get me thinking “Yes! Exactly! Why doesn’t anyone else get it?!”

But those same posts never go into enough detail, enough information for me.  It always feels like there’s so much they haven’t explored or covered.  Is this a natural limit of the blog post?  They’re not books, they’re not written so as to finish the conversation, but rather to start or continue it.  And yet, it still always feels like there’s so much left unsaid that could still have been written.

Perhaps the author simply said what was on their mind, stated the part they wanted to state and left the rest to be said by others.  But as someone who once they pull on a yarn is want to unravel the whole jumper this just isn’t enough for me [EDIT: Given how this post ended up, I think this one proves itself!].  Ok, there’s limits to what can be covered but maybe if people would at least allude to the issue as being there it would help to feel like it wasn’t just a starter being served as a main course.

I’m feeling frustrated right now, and that’s not moving anything forward, so I’m trying to think how I can make a difference.

What’s really annoying me?

Now there’s a fun question if ever there was one.

Honest answer: I want people I can talk about this stuff with in person.  I’m so much better at talking in person, maybe because I’m a dancer and physical presence is so much of how I communicate.

I want to be able to spend time shooting the breeze, but about stuff that’s important to me.  About the stuff that I’m thinking about.

Twitter, blogging and even my phone-based mastermind group are all serving a part of this.  But right now I’m feeling really frustrated because I don’t have the kind of dialogue that I want.

(To which my inner voice is saying “Well, you’re responsible for what you have – go and get it.”  I equally love and hate this voice.  Mainly because it’s right but acts like it’s so easy.)

Inner voice: Aren’t there people you should be able to talk about this with already?

Me: Hell yeah.  In person as well as remotely.

Inner voice: So why aren’t you talking to them?

…

I’m scared.

No, I’m absolutely fucking terrified.  If I’m being honest.

This blog gets published to Facebook, so there are people I know in my own city who can read this and perhaps even do.  Still, the idea of writing all this stuff out here is somehow detached from the reality of what happens when I actually have to talk to someone else about it.  It’s almost like comments just appear from the internet, but my brain still doesn’t associate it with having talked to real people about it.  Which is odd, because intellectually I know that they are real people, whom I just so happen to admire and respect. (And that’s not just me ass-kissing to get you guys to stick around, I promise).

I can write it here, in a very public, (semi-)permanent space and have no fear about anyone reading it – I feel that if I am ever in a situation where I need to justify what I’ve written I will either be able to do it at that time, or will know that the simple act of being asked that questions tells me what I need to know about the person asking.  But to talk about it out loud, to sit and discuss it, is terrifying.  Because if I talk with you in person, you might disagree.  And I don’t know if I’m strong enough to stand my ground to that.  I don’t know if I’m strong enough to stick to what I think and feel rather than drop it and agree with whoever I’m with.

That’s why it’s easier online – my internet world is only really populated with people I trust.  Those I know IRL who I might fear disagreement from are often not aware of or into blogging, twitter etc.  So whilst they can see it, I don’t really think that they do.

As much as I like to think that I’ve come so far (and damn it, I do think I have come a long way) I still feel like a young sapling.  Easily bent and broken by a careless step from another.  I was an acorn, then a seedling, and am growing pretty fast (or so it seems to me) but I’m still not a tree.  I’m still not going to win a fight …

Interrupting thought (IT): Is that true?

Me: Maybe

IT: Yes or no.

Me: *sigh* No

IT: How do you feel when you believe that thought?

Me: Alone, isolated, afraid, uncertain, self-undermining.

IT: Who would you be without that thought?

Me: … hmm…  I’d be free to choose whatever I wanted at the time.  I’d be able to make choices from what felt right for me, not from what others said.  I’d believe that what I felt was right for me really was right for me.  I’d trust myself and I’d listen to myself because of that.

IT: Now turn it around.

Me: ‘I’m not a tree’ becomes ‘I am a tree’.

IT: And give me three ways in which that is true for you.

Me: 3 ways in which I’m a tree?

IT: Yes, in the metaphorical sense that you mean here.

Me: … Well others have said that -

IT: No. I want 3 ways in which you think you’re a tree, metaphorically.

Me: I don’t know, I’m not able to think of any.

IT: Then think a little longer.

Me: But everything I do is filled with self doubt.

IT: Is that true?

Me: <don’t you just want to punch that inner voice sometimes?> No.

IT: How does you feel when you believe that?

Me: Crappy. Useless. A child. I don’t want to be an adult – I’m choosing to be a child!

IT: And who would you be without that story?

Me: If I agree that it is my mind telling me that everything I do is filled with self doubt, but that I don’t have to believe it, then I feel afraid.

<quick break to read tweets and links cause this is heavy stuff and turning into a really long post>

Me: I’d maybe notice when I am telling myself stories about how I’m doing stuff wrong (like when I make a packed lunch!), I wouldn’t need other people to tell me that I’m doing it right, I wouldn’t take it to heart when other people are scared by what I do with my life.

IT: Now turn it around.

Me: Everything I do is not filled with self-doubt.

IT: Three ways it is true.

Me: … When I let go and dance, and allow myself to be free with it, I have no doubt.  In fact I’m pretty damn fierce.

IT: And another.

Me: … When I go through this process, I don’t doubt what I’m doing, I just let it happen and watch with curiosity.

IT: Excellent, and a third?

Me: When I love, I have no doubt about that. (I’m going a bit misty-eyed right now – usually a good sign in these things.)

IT: Any more?

Me: When I draw or paint.  When I play this grade 7 piece on the piano despite never having passed an exam on it in my life.  When I connect to my heart in what I’m doing.  When I talk to people about their stuckness and offer another way of seeing the problem.  When I look for the right question to help someone understand better.

IT: Nice!  Now, let’s go back to the other one.  I’m not a tree.  Turn that around.

Me: I am a tree.

IT: And three examples are?

Me: When I give myself permission to dance from my heart I’m a massive fuck-off oak tree!  When I’m helping people to see things in a new way, with questions and new perspectives from my heart, then I’m a tree.  When I’m loving the guy in my life with my whole heart and hearing only the good stuff and understanding the bad stuff and loving him completely with all that comes with it – then I’m definitely a tree.

[And yup, now I'm crying - it's a good job I can touch type cause I can't see for shit.]

So what now?

The question that I often come back to at this point (after “Where are the tissues?”).

Well, it looks like if I needed to know what my life purpose is then I’ve got a pretty good stab at it right there.  Which would explain the fear part.  Telling myself I’m not ready is a way to stop myself from going for what I want.  As is staying up all night rather than keeping more sociable hours.

How do I move forward from here?  I don’t know.  But given my previous post I’m thinking maybe I shouldn’t be in such a hurry to move forwards.  Maybe I need to first of all be grateful for having stopped myself from going for it earlier.  For having given myself the time to experience the things that I have, for having found a way to do both dance training and performance and get a maths degree and work with software.

So a better question for myself is:

Is there anything I’m resisting about my current situation?

Current situation here being: stopping myself from moving forwards.

Well, yup there is.  For one, I’ve been fighting with myself over staying up late for a long time both before and during the stage of my life that I’m currently in.  I’ve tried to be ok with it, but I get frustrated at not seeing definite concrete progress and blame myself for staying up late (when I’m really doing it to keep myself safe).  And whenever I feel an urge to move on something I immediately get a buzz that keeps me awake until at least 5am.  PATTERN!  I’m not clear on what to do with this right now though.

I wonder what would happen if I looked at what I’m keeping myself safe from.  There’s certainly some obvious contenders (fear of failure, fear of success, fear of biggification/visibility/criticism).  They seem a little too obvious though, and kind of daunting as things to sit with.

When I stay up late it’s usually because I want to make sure I completely understand something, research it thoroughly, make it known, safe and controllable.  When I tell myself I’m not ready it’s usually so as to give myself more time to do that research.  To avoid walking into the unknown.

The fact that I’ve stalled so far on various things does mean that I’ve had the time to learn about these patterns, to learn how they work and how I work, to learn about techniques that I can use when they come up.  I don’t want to go back to my old job, but I certainly feel like I’d know how to deal with it a lot better (even if I’m still thinking that I’m not quite ready to face all the stuff that it brings up – oh patterns!)

So the combination of my stalling tactics and my determination to find my passion in life have meant that I haven’t wasted time running in various different directions each time I’ve caught a whiff of something that might be ‘the one’.  They’ve let me really sink deeper and deeper into myself to connect to something that lies underneath each of those paths.  To see how one path may only last a short while, that one life-consuming passion may be replaced in a natural and obvious way by several passions, some parallel, others serial.

The question that nags at me now is: does the fact that I’m still telling myself I’m not ready and staying up late mean that I’ve still got stuff to learn before I can do epic shit, or is it time for me to just get on with it?

Should I stay or should I go?

There’s the old ‘either/or’ mindset kicking in.  So let’s look for an ‘and’.  I can keep paying attention to any resistance I may currently have AND start taking small steps towards the epic stuff I want to do.

Problem is that that sounds like a pile of hippy crap waffle nonsense right now.  Like I’m trying to tie it up with a pretty bow and pretend that I’ve dealt with it all again.

So where am I really at?

• I realise that telling myself I’m not ready is a stalling tactic to keep me safe
• I recognise that this is like staying up late
• I want to move forwards and do epic shit because it would be fun to do stuff that really connects to my heart
• I have the opportunity to build a stronger connection to my heart at the moment whilst I’m still stalling

My current reality involves an endless list of possibilities and options.  At first that terrified me for a long time, that changed to frustration and not knowing where to go.  But if I remind myself that it is a safe place from which to start and come back to whenever I want to change, if I remind myself that it is a place where I can be quiet and reconnect with myself, then my black empty universe becomes a place where I am invited to go inside myself (because there is nothing outside of me).  That is what I still need to do right now, and I’m still resisting it.  I’m still pushing to move forwards somewhere – grabbing onto ideas as to what could be my next thing.

I can see that pattern though.  I see a route that I would like to take, but I have the same alarm bells ringing in my head that says “Hold on – you’re getting distracted.  You’re letting yourself get engrossed in doing to the detriment of being, rather than moving forwards from a place of stillness and taking that place with you.”  And I know that it’s true because the pull is to get buried in the busywork of making it happen, rather than connecting to my heart and finding the route that way.  I can see myself taking a scarcity mindset and grabbing at the first thing that I see, rather than connecting to my heart and listening to whether I feel a deep connection with a particular option, knowing that others will come along in time for me.

I’m still resisting going inwards and strengthening my connection to my heart.

An intention for the week: To find the fun and excitement in connecting to my heart.  To be grateful for where I am now.