Dancing Geek

Yep, when I start just blogging what I’m thinking about you get a random assortment of multiple posts in a day.  You can thank Joely for setting a precedent on that one.

What am I doing at the moment?

Panic: What have I forgotten?  What am I supposed to be doing?

Me: Nothing.  We’re practicing doing nothing, just being.

Panic: But what’s the intended outcome?  How do we know when we’ve done it?

Me: We don’t.  We’re just hoping to get still enough to see if anything interesting happens.

Panic: But if nothing interesting happens is that because we haven’t got still enough, or because nothing interesting is *going* to happen?

Me: I don’t know.  We can’t know.

Panic: So when are we finished?

Me: I don’t know.  We can’t know.

Panic: Stop that! I don’t like that!

Me: Scary isn’t it?

Panic: Yes! Yes! Please can we pick something to focus on?

Me: Nope.  Just going to be for a bit.  Wanna do another 30 days meditation thing again? Or promise to make one dance vid a day? Or set up a blogging schedule?

Panic: Oh, yes please. That would make me feel better.

Me: Well we’re not going to.  Tough.  They don’t work.  Scratching that itch just makes it worse.

Panic: But..buh-

Me: …

Man this stuff is hard and sucky.  If anyone out there thinks not having a job is easy – you try it.

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.  PATTERN ALERT!

I’m at it again

Ok, first of all I’m going to take a moment to appreciate the fact that I’m noticing the pattern. Then I’m going to have a moment where I get to sulk and pout about the fact that the pattern has come up again.  Then I’m going to tell you about it.

Shoulding all over myself in the garden

It’s March, spring is rushing towards us with lighter evenings and earlier sunshine, and I’m all for that, but I had a sudden panic about getting the garden ready to grow food.  Food is very important to me.

So I leap into action, I make a list of the food I want to grow, I research how it should be grown and at what times of year.  I do a little spreadsheet, I make a list of what I need to get in the ground this month, and what we need to prepare before we can do that.  I talk to Glyn.  He feels totally railroaded.

Gee. I wonder why.

Of course, I’m all, “I just want to make sure we get the most food” as well as a few slightly blame-y sounding things which I’m too ashamed to repeat on here.  Oh, yes, James.  Very rational.  King of Rationalisation, you are, aren’t you!

Ummm, yeah.  I am.

Well, quit it.

Ummm, sorry.

(Sometimes tough love is called for.)

Back to the plan

Well, rather than needing to plan out the next 24 months (oh yes, I was there already) I’m going with Glyn’s much saner version:

• build the second raised bed we want for the raspberries & blackberries (no blackberry fruit this year though – gardening is good practice for the impatient)
• start to plant up the veg patch at the end of the garden

End. That’s it. You could write it on a post-it. Maybe I should have that as a rule for all my plans.

Wait! That’s another plan!

Gah.  See how easily they slip in there?!

And now?

So, back to the moment.  Right now, what do I need?

Well, I know that I *want* to get a load of mental work done (reading, self-inquiry, meditation) but I also know that I’m tired already.

I’m going to try and practice being ok with not feeling like I got enough done today.  Embrace the panic, accept that the end of the day has come and just go to bed.  Do you reckon I can do it?