I decided I’d try writing 3 pages by hand instead of going straight to blog today. It turns out it was an amazing idea, even if I do have to re-type it now to share it.
The fact I can type quicker than I write doesn’t make up for the different feeling, and actually, it sometimes gave me the time I needed to see how I felt about something in order to respond. Plus, it’s great practice in typing copy.
The following is the resulting written conversation with my Munchkin [with extra comments added in square brackets].
—
So I’m feeling stuck at the moment. I’m not really feeling like I’m tackling stuff because I don’t really want to face it. Part of me is shying away out of fear. Can I talk to that fear perhaps?
Me: Hey fear, what’s up with you, how are you feeling?
Munchkin: Scared
Me: What are you scared of?
Munchkin: Pain, hurt. I don’t want us to get hurt.
Me: What are you afraid we’ll get hurt by?
Munchkin: Memories, thoughts, feelings.
Me: But those things can’t really hurt us. They’re just temporary, it’s not real except in our minds.
Munchkin: Yes, well that’s real enough. And even if it’s just for a few days you know that feels like forever to us.
Me: That’s very true. Even a small dip can feel really, very dark after a few days. So I can totally understand why you’d want to protect me from that. And thank you for looking after me.
Munchkin: That’s my job.
Me: Ok, well, would you mind if I explained how I’m feeling right now? [Oh wow, look at me, I listen first then ask if I can share. I totally didn't mean to, I just didn't know where to start - this practice is awesome, it writes itself somehow.]
Munchkin: Ok.
Me: It’s just that because I’m not dealing with some of that stuff, I feel stuck. And I’m feeling stuck for a lot longer than a few days. I’m getting frustrated with us for not having cleared a lot of this stuff up already and that leads to me feeling depressed, which can also lead to several days of feeling very dark.
Munchkin: So even though I’m protecting you from one kind [of pain], that’s leaving you with another?
Me: Yeah. Yeah, it is. And that sucks for both of us, I totally get that [cause now Munchkin feels like he's failing]. And you’re totally not worthless, in fact you’re really helpful. Cause I think if it all came at once I would be totally overwhelmed by it all.
Munchkin: Yeah! Exactly! that’s why I’m keeping it all stashed away! [Munchkin is now feeling heard and understood - yay!]
Me: And thanks again for looking out for me. But I’m wondering if maybe I can ask you to do me a favour.
Munchkin: You can ask. [hehehe - I always say that too, I want to know what it is before I agree. Clever Munchkin.]
Me: Well, what if, rather thank keeping them all hidden, which is also hurting me, what if we worked together to get rid of them, but one at a time. Then you could relax, and I’d feel much happier. I’d still need you around for a while, cause you do a really important job. You really doi. But I’m asking you to trust me with one or two of them on my own whilst you look aft erht others. Would that be ok?
Munchkin: I guess so.
Me: Is there anything I can do to reassure you that I’ll be ok, that I can handle it?
Munchkin: Well, you could make sure you’ve got help & your friends are involved.
Me: That’s cool, I like having my friends involved. [That would be you guys, by the way!] Anything else?
Munchkin: I only want to give you one not too big one to start with.
Me: That’s cool too. that way we can both see how it goes. After all, I think that anger (not mentioned here) was a bit much for me, wasn’t it?
Munchkin: Yeah. I thought I’d never get that one back.
Me: Well ok, you pick a smaller one. I trust you. And we’ll see how we go, ok?
Munchkin: Ok.
Both: I love you!
—
This was totally awesome, and I felt so much lighter and free afterwards. Because I’m also aware that I tend to forget these little mini-revelations and end up sliding backwards I had a further chat with the Munchkin and he introduced me to … The Memory Fairy! (Ok, yes, there’s a part of me that is slightly ashamed of my use of Munchkins and Memory Fairies, but sod it it’s working right now, so roll with it, ok?)
I had a conversation with the Memory Fairy, and he’s going to help me to remember to talk to the Munchkin and co. (It helps that he’s very handsome and clantily scad, what can I say it’s a damn good memory trick!)
