Dancing Geek

The what now?

The Wisdom of the Ages written as a school science report.

Yeah, exactly, but that’s what happens when you live inside my head.  I’ve broken it up with lots of pictures because a) that’s what school kids do these days, and b) it’s kinda long and chock full of goodness, so you don’t want to skip too much text.

Hypothesis

I will be truly happy all the time if I shed my negative mental models.

Happiness

• freedom to act from my truest best intentions for myself and others
• freedom to enjoy others company, giving value & being still
• freedom to accept all of what is, including myself

Negative mental models

• fear
• limiting beliefs
• negative prejudice & assumptions

(Take a moment to think about that while you look at this picture.)

Proof

Happiness is subjective, no objective proof can be given.  But if it is true for me then I can prove it to myself by trying it and testing the results.

Corollaries

• There is nothing one can receive to make one happy (wealth, love, respect)
• Happiness is not the result of an action
• Unhappiness is the result of certain thoughts
• There is nothing I can do to be happy except stop doing that which makes me unhappy

Methodology

The simple (but not necessarily easy) breakdown of steps to happiness.

• To be happy more often I need only change my thoughts.
• To change my thoughts I need only be aware of them and inquire about them.
• For the change to become lasting and effortless I need only do this repeatedly until I create a new pattern.
• To sustain this repetition I need only motivation and energy.

If I follow this reasoning in reverse I get the way to greater happiness:

1. Motivation and energy, which supports
2. Repetition of inquiry about thoughts

This leads to new mental models and if the hypothesis is subjectively correct, then I will be happier.  If I am not happier, it is subjectively false.

Step 1: Motivation and energy

My motivation

If I can truly yearn for the freedoms I listed under happiness I will have my motivation.  If I remember them, I yearn for them.

Energy

I need to balance the expenditure and replenishment of my mental, physical & emotional energies.  As well as refuelling these energies, greater efficiency in their use can improve performance, as can the quality of the fuel.

Refuelling: Food, sleep and the support of friends*

Efficiency: (reduce losses) Warmth, safety & comfort.
(more effective burning) Fitness, mental agility & emotional intelligence.

Quality of fuel: Quality of food (diet), quality of sleep and quality of friends and your relationship with them.

*Friends can include family and partners

Step 2: Repetition of inquiry about thoughts

Bringing awareness to my thoughts

• Shiva Nata
• Conversations with myself
• Mindfulness & witnessing

Inquiring about my thoughts

• Byron Katie
• Conversations with myself
• Exploring alternative mental models (e.g. the benevolent Universe)

Example thoughts to inquire about

• There is something that will make me happier if I get more of it
• That was bad and shouldn’t have happened
• People will not like me because I am selfish
• I should do things for others to be happy
• I’m incomplete, unfinished or broken

Notes

It is a practice, not a goal

I do not complete tasks so that when I have finished them & completed 100% I will be happy, but until then I am not.  Rather, the more I repeat these tasks the happier I will be overall.  There is no end point, except possibly death, and, as the small print goes, my happiness may go down as well as up, so I must keep my investment working over the long term if I seek the best returns.

Photo credits:

• Student in Class by foundphotoslj
• freedom by Guille
• Where thoughts are legible in the eye… by carf
• Resurrection by Untitled blue
• Pebble Art by pshutterbug
• I’m thinking of… by gutter
• Minimal perfection by Yago1.com

First off, I haven’t done my Shiva Nata and meditation yet today (and it’s 10.40pm) since I ran out of the door this morning for a fun project, which then got cancelled – poo poo poo poo poo!  So I seem to have spent the rest of the day doing little bits and pieces (you know, where at the end of the day you can’t remember anything that you’ve done but you feel like there must have been something constructive you managed – I mean come on, I can’t have just been sat staring at my inbox willing new emails to come in ALL day?!)  Anyway, I had a thought and wanted to write a bit about it, partly because it’s great being able to share some of these ideas and get some feedback from you guys – YOU ROCK!

The idea

There’s been a couple of different things that have come together recently that have solidified into a thought.  I want to look after myself.  And not in a “I should eat better, and do more yoga, and never eat chocolate or biscuits again and bad me, bad me, bad me” way.  But the opposite, in a “being kind and gentle and compassionate and considerate and thoughtful and aware and mindful about all the things that I like, that I don’t like, that push my buttons, that get me all mixed up or anxious or tizzy or running round in circles” way.

This means things like maybe I really should go and get a massage, I’ve been thinking about it for years for crying out loud – I even knew someone (who’s moved away now) – d’oh!  And dang it, I’m allowed to spend money on things that are about just getting me to a happy place, rather than having to be constructive and active and pushing forwards.  This included me grabbing a copy of Jen Hoffman’s Wish Kit before she takes it offline at the end of the year.  It’s meant to be about creating a space for you to work in, but the way she writes about it I can see it being really useful for creating a space for me to be peaceful and compassionate in.

At the moment I’m stashed in the kitchen all day (with one of our bunnies!) because it’s warm and there’s chairs.  When I got my laptop I gave up my desire for a permanent desk where all my stuff lives, because I wanted to be able to be with the bunnies (or the bf) where trailing cables can be an issue.  This does mean of course that the kitchen table is currently covered in all my junk!

I’m thinking however, that I may need to look at how I’m arranging my space with this goal in mind, and having some super little ways to look after myself via my space is awesome, since I’m so tightly connected to my environment emotionally.  If the place I’m in is messy, I get fidgety and anxious – hence I’m constantly tidying and putting this ‘where they belong’ around the house.

This is all part of the bigger trend.  I’m starting to see that I’m not nearly as nice to myself as I thought I was!  I let myself leave work (but only if I spent ages studying on what was next and I applied for another job straight away – thank god they put a stop on recruitment!).  I let myself not seek out work (but only whilst there was work coming in).  I let myself cut back on work (but only whilst I was still doing more than I really wanted to).  There has always been some action, thought or belief that has been keeping me in the same old place, just with different furniture.  The underlying reasons for the habits (the, often unconscious, benefits) simply resulted in different symptoms showing up.

So now I’m focussing on being kind to myself.  Trying to remind myself (when I remember) that it’s ok that I’m doing this and to get really comfy so that, if I feel like it, I’m in a place where I can look at these things and maybe start to pay them some attention.  Acknowledge them for what they offer and maybe look at more helpful ways for them to look after me.  The differnece now though, is I’m NOT getting comfy in order to do this.  I’m looking after myself because that’s what I need right now, I’m just helping to quiet the voices by letting them know that this is the best route to me getting stuff done later as well, so they don’t panic.

First year’s review

Yes, it’s been a year since I quit my old job and although there’s part of me that’s wants to go “My god!  A year, and I’ve got nowhere!” I know that actually that’s nowhere near the truth.

Yes, I may only just be starting to understand everything that I don’t know.  I may only just be starting to see how I’ve been treating myself, how much I ignore my inner direction & intuition.  But getting to this point, of being able to start to see what I’m dealing with is a massive step.  There’s a big way to go yet, but I can see that I’ve come a long way too.

Anyone know of a good way of reviewing stuff like this?  I’m feeling like I’m not expressing this well because I’m not clear on it and that with the whole Yule / New Year thing of the season it would be a good time to look back and reflect on the crazy year I’ve had.

An experiment in writing without needing to make a point

Today I had two things touch me.  Which sounds odd, but that’s just because you’ve got a dirty mind.  The first was a video that has all the hallmarks of being a cheesy “we think we know teenagers (but we really haven’t got a clue)” video and ended with me bawling into a wad of tissues near the end (it’s the bit where they walk across the line if you’re interested).  If you’re one of those people who managed to go through school without suffering psychological (and maybe even physical) scarring then it may not have quite the same affect.  For the rest of us, when you’ve got some time in a safe space what this 15 minute video about something called Challenge Day.  And have a box of tissues handy, just in case.

To be honest though, the video itself possibly isn’t that moving (except the bit with the Vice Principal talking to her son – more blubbing was had here).  It’s what was said in my head that had me splashing tears all over my laptop.  So if you don’t want to watch the video, let me explain the bit that got me going.

Take a bunch of teenagers AND school staff, some students have gone through training to lead the session.  All are mixed up outside normal friendship groups and do exercises and games to break ice.  Then they start to answer questions (leaders going first) – things like “If you really knew me…” but that’s not the ‘good’ part.  Fast forward to everyone stood behind a line, if you relate to the group named you cross the line to the other side of the room and turn to face the others.  Picked on for the colour of your skin.  Picked on for being fat.  These get clear responses.  But in my head she asked the questions “Picked on for reasons you don’t even know”, “Picked on for doing stuff that’s ‘gay’ like dancing”, “Picked on for not agreeing with your friends” and even “Feel ignored by everyone”, “Feel like you don’t have a single friend in the world”, “So confused you wanna cry”, “Hiding a secret”,”Don’t relate to anyone around you”,”Just want someone to care”,….  And I wasn’t the only one walking across that line.

I’ve found new friends online that I can talk to about things I wouldn’t bring up with offline friends.  I feel safe to open up about things that I’m going through right now.  But there’s still so much of me that’s stuck in school, where being different was the only thing I could be and yet was the one thing guaranteed to bring me misery.  I’m still desperately looking for people who can say “me too” about the silly things like “I don’t have a clue what’s going on”, “I don’t like people who don’t use their brains”, “This is all majorly scary”, but to my 15 yr old self.

Right now, I get these things about the world, I have people I can share in this with, but the little boy in my memories standing in the playground alone just after…, standing in the corridor alone just after…, standing in the hall alone just after…, standing in the crowd alone, he needs someone to love him and right now all I seem to be able to do is cry for him.

And another

The second was when I read about a new visitor explaining why she went splat on the internet.  These two posts left me feeling like maybe, just maybe, it really was ok to feel all this stuff I feel.  And maybe, just maybe, it’s possible to get to a point where you can finally start to see what’s going on, even if you’re not able to stop it yet, you can still recognise, understand & observe the crazy in a way that feels more like the outside looking in, than blundering around on the inside in total confusion.  And there are people in the UK that I can relate to.

What I’ve experienced isn’t as ‘dramatic’ as Joely, but the one thing that I seem to be stuck on is getting out of unhappy comfort and moving towards happy discomfort.  Here I can see someone who has managed to make this break because that was the next step for them.  Here is someone who can describe why being told I’m wrong, or being offered advice is just going to pee me off.  Here is someone who can explain that the things that I do that I hate I do because I had to do them to survive, and now I can maybe start to recognise them as no longer necessary and start to think about letting go of them.  And that the scary feeling of being lost that accompanies that is normal, and ok, and not going to kill me either.  And somehow I don’t think she’d mind me making the comparison between her and me, despite the voice in my head that thinks “what happened to you wasn’t nearly as bad, you shouldn’t need to do all that grieving, loving, hippy crap”.

Another Havinaut (or Friend of Havi?) wrote about dancing around the pain and this idea of not jumping into the deep end is a new one for me.  I’m in uncharted territory for me.  I’m trying to learn the skills necessary to learn the skills necessary to understand what skills I need to learn in order to learn the skills to start to think about dealing with some of this stuff.  I feel so far behind it seems impossible, and yet I know that if I just take some time to be near the horrible sucking black hole that I can feel in my chest, then maybe, just maybe, it will suck a little less.