Dancing Geek

SLD_043a by psoup216

Wonder and excitement

I truly wonder where I will be in a year’s time, but for the first time in my life I have a plan that I have devised and I am excited to see what I can achieve in the year, rather than just passing the time doing as I’m told.

I’m thinking about what it is I want and how to write a Personal Ad for it, given the amazingly powerful meme that I first saw on Havi’s blog.  As it was when I first started this journey a year ago, my first thought is that I’m seeking a sense of purpose, but I have learnt various new ways of thinking this year that suggest that that goal will not serve me as well as others might, and it seems too vague to give me direction or a way to choose a path (which is what goals are for).  So what do I want?

For 2009 I answer: to grow and to evolve.

Growth is about expansion and development and learning.

Evolving is about taking my bodymind and making it better by minor adjustments and testing.  To rewire my brain consciously, to improve my health.

Both of these feel slow and natural, earthy and connected.  This is something that I have long missed out on, but I do want to balance that with something more vibrant & energetic.  Astanga yoga, dance, sex, laughter, creative expression, art, Guitar Hero.

I’m struggling to come up with ideas that feel energetic but not frantic, lively but not stressed, creative but not draining.  I suppose that these things are all on the same scale, from quiet to loud, and that it is more about balancing than avoiding inherently frantic, stressed and draining activities.

Which leads me on to an stuckness of mine

I have a strong, deep pattern around not being able to stop.  I hate to stop.  Whatever I’m doing, be it resting, dancing, working, playing, I have a strong internal resistance to changing to another state.  I hate getting in the shower, and I hate getting out.

At it’s worst this leads to things like staying up till 4, 5 or even 8 am playing with ideas, constantly being late, using up a lot of water in the shower, being the last to leave a gathering/party/meeting, staying until I’m thrown out, taking forever to get started on something that I see as lasting forever (when really I need only do something for a short while), spending ages browsing online, missing out, perfectionism.

All things which arouse feelings of guilt.

Any thoughts you care to share?

Road to heaven by fd

Acorns turning into seedlings

I’ve been on a bit of a journey this last 12 months. It’s felt at times like a aeroplane circling to land, only whilst taking off. I’ll move a little further and then fall into a holding pattern, move again, holding pattern again. Sometimes I slide back a little, but always there is movement and change. Such is life.

The time between climbs has been reducing, on average. As my comfort zone for dealing with change in new areas grows so does my ability to assimilate new ideas and information. So also has my support network grown. I’m so very appreciative for the new friends I have found on this journey.

This seeding of support and comfort into areas that I had previously avoided or ignored has started to see some seedlings finally sprout through the surface in various forms, one of which has come through a particular group of these new friends that I talk to regularly.

The gentle push

I often see that my friends have given me that gentle push I needed to take a step into the unknown and this was no exception. I was inspired & challenged to seek a meditation group nearby. Pointed to the Tara Buddhist Centre, I looked online and was only able to make it to their Sunday evening class, which is slightly different to just a meditation class. Rather than being focussed on meditation, it is focussed on learning about the “Joyful Path of Good Fortune“. It involved a small amount of meditation, which I wanted to practice in a group environment, but also some prayer (which I just sat quietly through) and some teaching/discussion based on the book mentioned above.

A pleasant surprise

It turns out that this was a great combination (minus the prayer, but it doesn’t hurt). It is the first time in my life I have heard someone discuss overt spirituality and not been totally turned off by a requirement to have blind faith in the esoteric. I could access this with a scientific mind by reflecting on personal experience. By being honest about what the logical extension of our experience tells us, and not letting wishful thinking cloud our judgement to an ‘easier’ conclusion. It was very interesting, and I was surprised that I didn’t get bored at all during the hour and half event.

I think I may just be going again next week!

(The last subtitle is based on The Paradox of Choice, which was pointed out to me on Shannon’s blog by another new friend, Lynn. I would say that we can still be pleasantly surprised when our expectations are open, not just low.)