Dancing Geek

I found a new brain squirrel today. And this one I found on my own. If I sound proud of that, it’s because I am; one of my previous brain squirrels is:

I can’t do this on my own

Having met this new brain squirrel on my own, it was a different experience. The same sense of emotional impact was there but without the instant emotional release.

I found it whilst I was practising questioning my thoughts and it turns out that I had to question the truth of what this brain squirrel was saying to me in order to find the release.

After the release

I’m noticing that once the release happens, the brain squirrel becomes a reminder, rather than a taunt. For example, when I notice the desire to run to someone else to tell me what to do, the situation may remind me of my brain squirrel “I cannot do this on my own” and this in turn helps me to release the anxiety.

Beforehand, this phrase would have just brought a sense of complete belief and thus despair at the ‘truth’ of the situation.

My newest reminder

So now I have a new phrase to trigger my thought patterns, but hopefully this brain squirrel is also now working for me. I would like you to meet him; he is called:

If people see me they will attack me.

This is a bit of a temporary name for him, because the semantics aren’t entirely clear, but for the moment you may think of him in the context of Avatar, where seeing someone doesn’t mean just having them in view but rather seeing a glimpse of who they really are.

His personal ad

This particular brain squirrel, having been questioned and now under new management, has written a Very Personal Ad:

I want to train so as to better show the real me, my heart & soul. I want to be a better dancer so that I can let more people see more of the real me, so that I can feel love.

This final gift from my brain squirrel is why this post is listed under Dancing, and not Personal mumblings. This is no mumble, and the clear intention that I have here is strong and all about dance.

I travelled down to Brighton in May to be part of the Bodies in Urban Spaces performance being created there for Brighton Festival (not to be confused with Fringe Festival, or any of the other festivals going on in Brighton at exactly the same time!)

Suffice to say it was brilliant fun and I got to meet 20+ new and awesome people.

There are some photos on the Telegraph website and more on Facebook, if you have me on there.

So one of the big things that I have had a hang up over is the P-word.  At what point have I earned the right to use it?  Will people judge me for using it too soon, or too late?  Will someone call me a liar?  Will I get stones thrown at me and chased out of town?

Yes, the P-word has a lot of emotion attached to it.

The P-word is <shudder> ‘Professional’.

Well, I figured that one reasonable marker was that once I’d been paid to work in dance then I could use it.  Except I’ve been paid to teach a number of times before now and I still didn’t feel I could use it.

I got as far as semi-professional, or even part-time-professional (I know, I’m totally making these up – that’s what crazy does to you), but mostly not out loud to other people, just as a label for myself in my head.

Note to self: labels are not that useful unless being used to provide simplified ways for people to understand something quickly.  In your head they just mess you up!

The good news

Cause I like to try and end my posts on an uplifting note, if only for my own sanity.

I recently had the privilege to work with a group of students of varied ages and dance experience.  For two sessions of 3 hours.  I don’t remember being happier, and there was a big part of the final ‘click’ that started to break open the mess around the P-word.  Note I said “started”, I’m still calling the P-word after all.

At the end of the first session I realised I had hit what I termed the ‘holy triumvirate’ of career path hunting:

• I liked it
• I was good at it
• Someone was willing to pay me to do it

The first one was easy to spot – I was bouncing around the place, chattering my head off or simply dancing around in the space enjoying moving.

The second one came later when I realised that I had real ideas and experiences to share when asked questions or facing problems.  I’m rarely lost for something to say, but to actually feel I had something meaningful and valuable to offer – now that felt good!

The final one was the simplest one.  I was there as an invited guest artist, they were offering me money to be there.  I’d have totally done it for free too, but I ended up walking away with a cheque in my hand and big ass grin on my face.

Frankly, when I had this realisation (right about the time I read this awesome Ittybiz post) I was actually a little disappointed not to hear angels singing and blinding lights – but that’s what a childhood spent in places like Sunday school will do to your expectations.

And next?

Ah yes, my brain’s immediate and wholly annoying questioning of where this is going to lead.

Well, I don’t know.  That’s been one of my big lessons this year.  And I’m still working on being ok with that.  In the meantime, I try and taper the heart-exploding panic of not having my life mapped out for the next 20 years with the reminder that 1) having it mapped out would cause me to die of boredom, and 2) I’m actually making progress here.