Dancing Geek

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything, and part of that is because I was directing a lot of my energy into exploring a new technique (to me) called Core Transformation.  But that’s for another time.

Right now I just wanted to talk about how sometimes I can’t write anything down, because before I’ve even got halfway through writing a post my entire outlook has changed.  I can start a rant about something and before I’ve finished the act of bringing my attention to it has changed it.

So what to write about when everything I thinking keeps changing?  The answer: I’ll write about the fact that everything keeps changing so fast I can’t write about it!

A change in focus

The parts that are constantly changing are my patterns, or issues, or unhelpful thinking, or whatever term you use.  These can change so fast that my thinking transforms partway through forming a sentence.  Powerful and also thoroughly confusing when trying to form a post about my thoughts.

So for now I’m not going to write about my thinking.  I can mention that I had a panic about rejection again recently, but then realised that I didn’t need to by the time I’d written it down.  I can write that I suddenly remember how I judge people with my thinking, or react emotionally to what they do, only to then notice that my thinking is unhelpful and have it stop.  But by the time I’m sat down to write about it, or even just grabbed a pen and paper to make a note, it seems like ancient history already.  It’s over, in the past, and no longer important enough for me to need to give it more thought and energy.

I need something else to write about.  Fortunately, I have some new ideas.

I’m so grateful right now that I am able to laugh at myself.  Otherwise I’d probably be really angry right now just because I’m human.

Patterns etc.

Joely recently wrote about the repeated work that some patterns take.  I suspect it applies to all of them – they wouldn’t be patterns if they were so easy to overturn after all.

So why am I surprised to find the same ones keep cropping up?

Because I still like to think that each time I meet my patterns that this time I’ve dissolved them.  See why I’m laughing?!  Don’t you just want to pat me on the head and go “there, there”?  I sure do.

The latest realisation

I don’t change just because I want to, I also need to be ready to.  I’ll be ready when I can be grateful for where I am now, for all the lessons it has taught me, when I no longer fear or resist what is.

So let’s see, we’ve got…

• feeling of lack
• feeling broken
• trying to do rather than be
• impatience
• resisting what is
• non-mindful desire to change
• forgetting that change is only possible once you can see fully where you are at the moment

…and probably a load more.

As I said, at least I can laugh at myself for being surprised to see these again!  Because oh look, here’s some bigger patterns coming up again:

• being surprised to see patterns keep coming up (despite the fact that that’s their definition!)
• letting myself believe that intellectual learning is the same as living the realisation

It’s getting a little recursive with these so I’ll stop there.  But I’ve recorded my little thought above to remind me that what I want to be doing right now is nothing.  That right now my focus is on being, whatever that may turn out to involve.