Dancing Geek

Today was pretty damn good.

Today I was in the flow.

I’d struggle to tell you any of what I wrote about without checking my writing, but for the first time that I can remember I feel like I really started to get a grip around how this writing lark will work for me.  I’ve spent so long just writing and coming up with various bits of gunk and bleurgh and yuck but today it felt like it flowed.

It made sense, it sprouted more thoughts, it made me go look up interesting facts in books I had read and then read a bit more of the book and understand a bit more of the book.  Insights rolled onto the page, patterns were found and laid out bare for inspection.

I don’t have anything in particular to show for it, not a finished project or piece of work, rather I have a sense of progression, of moving forward.  This, for me, is huge.  Having normally measured my progress according to boxes ticked and to-do items done, it was amazing to spend hours concentrating on something constructive but not necessarily productive.

I feel clear, fresh, like flowing water.  I feel like I managed to let go for a while, to float down the river and move forward in my crazy, haphazard, bouncy journey without needing to have a goal or endpoint set, but rather in the joy of the journey.

I captured lots of useful thoughts and insights to keep me going on my ever-changing path.  (So I guess I do have something to show for it, but they’re the jewels found along the road rather than the ever retreating prizes at the end of the path).

I’m not sure what it all means but I know that I liked it and I’m going to try and do it again.

I’d like to put some stuff together to share, but there’s no promises; as selfish as it may sound, this stuff is for me and until I get to a place where I’m stable enough to work from it has to stay that way.  Once I learn how to swim in this river then it’ll be a whole different game.

Seeing a pattern

I recently realised something that was causing a lot of stuck, and hence things like my munchkin and my crab: I don’t trust myself.

Let’s make that I didn’t trust myself.  Now I have written out an intention to make sure that whatever I do I make sure I am nurturing myself as well, because I’m no use to anybody if I don’t look after myself.

No man is an island

Self-trust however does not exist in isolation, it comes as part of a package, and all the pieces look like they’re needing a little attention.  The latest one to raise it’s head is self-acceptance.  There are parts of me that I don’t like, that I think are unacceptable or that I think people will judge me for.  I’m not even sure what they all are, but I’m starting to pick them out and try and get to know them.

Step 1: stop ignoring these parts of myself

Step 2: finish step 1 then think about what’s next

Thanks, Joely for the reminder.  (And also for the validation that sometimes the best ideas come in the middle of the night.)

Crabbbbbb by zrim

Meet my Attachment Crab.  [Isn't he just beautiful?!  He's from the Galapagos islands, and the photographer claims no doctoring of the colours!]

In light of my amazing Munchkin conversation, I had another one today, with aforementioned Crab.  Thought I’d share it again.

—

Me: Hey fear, I’d like to talk with you if I may.  I know that I’ve been ignoring you recently and pretending you weren’t around.  I’m sorry about that but I really would like to know how you’re feeling.  Will you talk with me?

Crab: Maybe.

Me: Thank you for that.  I’d like to know more about you.  Is there anything that stands out as something you want to say?

Crab: Nope.

Me: Ok, that’s totally cool – I can get like that sometimes.  I can feel like it’s all the same, all very important but also all not worth it because it’s too much.  I’d like to let you know that I really am trying hard to start listening properly to my fears now and talking with them.  Do you believe me when I say this?

Crab: Yes.

Me: Wow, thank you for that trust.  I really appreciate that.  So, what I’d like to know is what are you afraid will happen if I let go?

Crab:  I’ll get lost.  I’ll float away and not know where I am.

Me: What is it about being lost that frightens you?

Crab: I can’t control what’s going to happen.  I can’t keep you safe from hurt & pain.

Me: Oh wow! That’s so kind. You’re working really hard to keep me from getting hurt, aren’t you?

Crab: *nods*

Me: That’s super nice of you.  Would you mind If I shared a bit of how I’m feeling?

Crab: Ok.

Me: Well, firstly, I’m aware that I can never really conttrol what happens, that I can influence what goes ion in the world around me.  I’m aware that every choice about that influence involves not taking other paths, every thing I get means not getting something else.  Because of this, I’m worried that by trying to control too much of what happens to me I’m missing out on a lot of possibilities and opportunities.  Also, I’m aware that a lot of how I feel about things that happen is under my control.  So if I change my focus from controlling what is happening to controlling how I feel about it, then not only will I be able to enjoy more good things coming into my life, but I will be able to avoid/reduce/be with the pain and use love to transform it so that I will be safer and stronger than before.  That’s what I think could happen.

Crab: Wow.  That would be very different.  Do you really think that would work?

Me: Yes, I do.  I’ve already done little bits of this.  I can control feelings of guilt, grief & gratitude.  I can summon love & compassion when I need them.  I feel afraid too that something might be too much, too hard, too soono, but I have some very good friends who can help & we can get lots of practice with small things.  If something too big comes up we can always retreat a little and prepare before going to face it.

Crab: Do you promise, that we can retreat for a bit?

Me: Yes, absolutely.  In fact, it would be great if you could help me remember when I need to shelter for a bit and I will ask the Memory Fairy to help me to remember to check in with you and keep listening.

Crab: Ok, well, it kind of hurts that you feel you need the memory fairy to remind you.

Me: Yeah.  I’m going to work with him on projects to remind me of you all directly.

*hugs all round*

—

So yeah, another conversation that left me feeling much calmer and happier.  As for the projects mentioned, I’m scouting for pictures that represent these characters to me, and the above gorgeous crab is perfect for my Attachment Crab, who is now changing roles.  When things get rough, or stormy, he will grab hold of a safety rope and pull us to a safe spot where we can either ride out the gale or prepare ourselves to face it – depending on what we need.

I love my crab.

P.S. Like with others who have written about their internal conversations, I do realise that I’m talking to myself, but it occurred to me that whilst I’m better at giving compassion and listening to those I percieve as others, rather than myself directly, this is an excellent way of working with that.  My tendency to consider my words carefully and notice their full meanings when talking with others can now be directed to myself, and particularly to my feelings of fear and vulnerability, who need to receive it most.  I wonder if I will end up with a menagerie of helpful little friends?