First off, I haven’t done my Shiva Nata and meditation yet today (and it’s 10.40pm) since I ran out of the door this morning for a fun project, which then got cancelled – poo poo poo poo poo!  So I seem to have spent the rest of the day doing little bits and pieces (you know, where at the end of the day you can’t remember anything that you’ve done but you feel like there must have been something constructive you managed – I mean come on, I can’t have just been sat staring at my inbox willing new emails to come in ALL day?!)  Anyway, I had a thought and wanted to write a bit about it, partly because it’s great being able to share some of these ideas and get some feedback from you guys – YOU ROCK!

The idea

There’s been a couple of different things that have come together recently that have solidified into a thought.  I want to look after myself.  And not in a “I should eat better, and do more yoga, and never eat chocolate or biscuits again and bad me, bad me, bad me” way.  But the opposite, in a “being kind and gentle and compassionate and considerate and thoughtful and aware and mindful about all the things that I like, that I don’t like, that push my buttons, that get me all mixed up or anxious or tizzy or running round in circles” way.

This means things like maybe I really should go and get a massage, I’ve been thinking about it for years for crying out loud – I even knew someone (who’s moved away now) – d’oh!  And dang it, I’m allowed to spend money on things that are about just getting me to a happy place, rather than having to be constructive and active and pushing forwards.  This included me grabbing a copy of Jen Hoffman’s Wish Kit before she takes it offline at the end of the year.  It’s meant to be about creating a space for you to work in, but the way she writes about it I can see it being really useful for creating a space for me to be peaceful and compassionate in.

At the moment I’m stashed in the kitchen all day (with one of our bunnies!) because it’s warm and there’s chairs.  When I got my laptop I gave up my desire for a permanent desk where all my stuff lives, because I wanted to be able to be with the bunnies (or the bf) where trailing cables can be an issue.  This does mean of course that the kitchen table is currently covered in all my junk!

I’m thinking however, that I may need to look at how I’m arranging my space with this goal in mind, and having some super little ways to look after myself via my space is awesome, since I’m so tightly connected to my environment emotionally.  If the place I’m in is messy, I get fidgety and anxious – hence I’m constantly tidying and putting this ‘where they belong’ around the house.

This is all part of the bigger trend.  I’m starting to see that I’m not nearly as nice to myself as I thought I was!  I let myself leave work (but only if I spent ages studying on what was next and I applied for another job straight away – thank god they put a stop on recruitment!).  I let myself not seek out work (but only whilst there was work coming in).  I let myself cut back on work (but only whilst I was still doing more than I really wanted to).  There has always been some action, thought or belief that has been keeping me in the same old place, just with different furniture.  The underlying reasons for the habits (the, often unconscious, benefits) simply resulted in different symptoms showing up.

So now I’m focussing on being kind to myself.  Trying to remind myself (when I remember) that it’s ok that I’m doing this and to get really comfy so that, if I feel like it, I’m in a place where I can look at these things and maybe start to pay them some attention.  Acknowledge them for what they offer and maybe look at more helpful ways for them to look after me.  The differnece now though, is I’m NOT getting comfy in order to do this.  I’m looking after myself because that’s what I need right now, I’m just helping to quiet the voices by letting them know that this is the best route to me getting stuff done later as well, so they don’t panic.

First year’s review

Yes, it’s been a year since I quit my old job and although there’s part of me that’s wants to go “My god!  A year, and I’ve got nowhere!” I know that actually that’s nowhere near the truth.

Yes, I may only just be starting to understand everything that I don’t know.  I may only just be starting to see how I’ve been treating myself, how much I ignore my inner direction & intuition.  But getting to this point, of being able to start to see what I’m dealing with is a massive step.  There’s a big way to go yet, but I can see that I’ve come a long way too.

Anyone know of a good way of reviewing stuff like this?  I’m feeling like I’m not expressing this well because I’m not clear on it and that with the whole Yule / New Year thing of the season it would be a good time to look back and reflect on the crazy year I’ve had.

Want to see more? Try one of these posts:

• Following a thread as far as I can
• Talking to my Munchkin
• An experiment in writing about the process