Looking forward

Thursday, January 1st, 2009
SLD_043a by psoup216

SLD_043a by psoup216

Wonder and excitement

I truly wonder where I will be in a year’s time, but for the first time in my life I have a plan that I have devised and I am excited to see what I can achieve in the year, rather than just passing the time doing as I’m told.

I’m thinking about what it is I want and how to write a Personal Ad for it, given the amazingly powerful meme that I first saw on Havi’s blog.  As it was when I first started this journey a year ago, my first thought is that I’m seeking a sense of purpose, but I have learnt various new ways of thinking this year that suggest that that goal will not serve me as well as others might, and it seems too vague to give me direction or a way to choose a path (which is what goals are for).  So what do I want?

For 2009 I answer: to grow and to evolve.

Growth is about expansion and development and learning.

Evolving is about taking my bodymind and making it better by minor adjustments and testing.  To rewire my brain consciously, to improve my health.

Both of these feel slow and natural, earthy and connected.  This is something that I have long missed out on, but I do want to balance that with something more vibrant & energetic.  Astanga yoga, dance, sex, laughter, creative expression, art, Guitar Hero.

I’m struggling to come up with ideas that feel energetic but not frantic, lively but not stressed, creative but not draining.  I suppose that these things are all on the same scale, from quiet to loud, and that it is more about balancing than avoiding inherently frantic, stressed and draining activities.

Which leads me on to an stuckness of mine

I have a strong, deep pattern around not being able to stop.  I hate to stop.  Whatever I’m doing, be it resting, dancing, working, playing, I have a strong internal resistance to changing to another state.  I hate getting in the shower, and I hate getting out.

At it’s worst this leads to things like staying up till 4, 5 or even 8 am playing with ideas, constantly being late, using up a lot of water in the shower, being the last to leave a gathering/party/meeting, staying until I’m thrown out, taking forever to get started on something that I see as lasting forever (when really I need only do something for a short while), spending ages browsing online, missing out, perfectionism.

All things which arouse feelings of guilt.

Any thoughts you care to share?

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5 comments

Joely Black:
 1 

Sometimes you have to just let yourself feel the guilt, and then wait for it to let go of you. I could never get on with the idea of “letting go of habits”, but then I began to read the alternative, which is to accept them until they let go of you. It seems much more effective.

And it’s good to have a plan for the year :D

Joely Black’s last blog post..Welcome to 2009: It’s all in the details

January 1st, 2009 at 8:34 pm
James | Dancing Geek:
 2 

Hmmm, I like the thinking if I frame it as:

Ignoring/pushing away guilt = Ignoring/pushing away fact that it’s hurting me = Not looking at the problem = No change
Feeling guilt and being compassionate to self = Bringing awareness to emotion and the situation = Bringing awareness to the fact it’s hurting me = Learning that this behaviour is hurting me = Natural change

That’s what I’m understanding anyway. So ok, here’s how it goes: everytime I find myself getting stuck doing something I allow myself some time to feel crappy about it, I sit with that for a bit and see what happens.

Since I’m going to feel crappy about it at some point, I might as well get it over and done with! :P

January 2nd, 2009 at 1:08 am
Joely Black:
 3 

That’s the way. The guy who came up with Holosync – Bill Harris – has this perspective on it. It’s all about awareness. Once you’re aware that you do/feel something consciously, you have to make a conscious choice to continue to feel that way. That’s what brings about the change. You can’t continue to do something indefinitely if you’re aware that you’re doing it.

This is the key to meditation, basically. It raises awareness. The more self-aware you are, especially of unhelpful beliefs or behaviours that you notice, the more you change them. Just being aware that you do a thing changes it.

Joely Black’s last blog post..An ethnographer of an imaginary people; geographer of an imaginary world

January 2nd, 2009 at 2:34 pm
Urban Panther:
 4 

Guitar Hero.

ROFL – thank you, thank you, thank you. My Guitar Hero addiction can now be seen as a method of self-expression and creative process.

Urban Panther’s last blog post..Snow angels

January 2nd, 2009 at 6:37 pm
James | Dancing Geek:
 5 

@Joely – I’m now thinking quantum physics “the act of observation changes the observed”. But something tells me that you’d have more of a handle on that than me.

@Urban Panther – Guitar Hero is now being added to the list of requirements when I come visit. I am very competitive though, kinda brings out the worst in me sometimes.

January 2nd, 2009 at 11:05 pm

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