Yesterday’s discomfort

So yesterday I had a bit of a panic when I realised that I wasn’t sure why I was doing this 30 day meditation thing.  I re-read my original post and realised that I wasn’t very clear, so yesterday evening (well, my body-clock has reverted to it’s usual weirdness, so I use the term evening as a relative one), after reading the wonderful and helpful comments I got I sat and wrote an answer to the questions that I’d written yesterday.

I had a goal.  I had a measure.  I had a plan.

Something wasn’t right.  It’s that weird little nagging feeling I get that something doesn’t quite fit.  Like a totally beautiful pair of trousers that are just too tight in the groin, and I really want to be able to wear them but deep down I know that whilst I could wear them, and I could probably get away with it for a while, it isn’t going to be comfortable and I need to let go of these and go find the ones that really fit me.

This is the feeling that I tend to ignore (well, I’m better now at buying clothes, so let’s drop that metaphor and be specific).  I did my usual thing and only half-registered the feeling whilst repeating to myself (in that weird emotional, subliminal way) “oooh, well done, you have a goal, and a measure, and a plan.  Yes, yes, well done, all is right with the world again”.

In other words, I did what I always do.

Today’s results

So I managed to do my 20 minutes again today (woot woot!) and again I decided against Shiva Nata for energy reasons (I also missed out on a really cool 2 1/2 dance workshop in the morning with a friend I haven’t seen in a while, which totally sucked).

I didn’t write this straight after because we’d agreed to set up the xmas tree at 8 and I’d just snuck the meditation in between dinner and tree-surgery to give my belly time to settle (note: having a full belly did seem to have a slightly drowsy making effect, but for only 20 mins I was ok).  The tree is now beautifully erected (giggle) and well watered and I’m officially allowed to get excited that christmas is nearly here (plus, we get to decorate and put the pressies under the tree, and isn’t that like the best bit of advent anyway?)

I think I was trying to get to a point…oh, yeah, I didn’t write it straight away so I made notes, but luckily the feeling that I got seems to come back when I review the notes – which I’m taking as a positive sign as to the power of what I was thinking.

The actual freakin’ point

As I was sat meditating, I remembered what Joely said about approaching it like a marathon, instead of just letting go.  I realised that I was trying to do what I always did and turn meditation into something that was all about grabbing hold, not letting go.

So this time around I had a bash at letting go, and not trying to get anything from it.  I sucked pretty bad at it, but I had an intention rather than a goal and it just seemed like a better fit.  (Think, “omg I can’t wear flares, but you’re right they do look good on me”).

So I rewrote my answers to the questions (which, yes, does seem off-kilter, since the whole point was to lose the whole goal oriented thinking and let go, but I need a way to write down what I’m thinking and right now this is what I know).

What is the intended outcome: To be comfortable without a magic overall sense of purpose and direction to guide me

Measure: Quiet the voice of ‘should’ (‘should have a plan’, ‘should know where this is going’,…).  Be ok with doing something without knowing.

What area/problem am I focussing on?: Inner calm, peace, serenity. [BAM! Now that's the doozy - not getting inner direction (my old answer), that'll come of itself later.]

Will this bring significant benefits?: Hell yeah!  I’m so terrified to act without it all planned out ahead, this seems like a great way to start an uncertain path.  Of course, the whole point is that I can’t guarantee what is going to happen, so maybe it won’t work!

How can I embrace my newbie status?: Just keep doing it, be kind to myself, be allowed to not be ok with it.

Have I tried without it?: Well, yes, except that I get panicked and harassed and lost and guilty and bleurgh.  The shoulds get in the way.  If I can acknowledge and replace those then perhaps I’ll be able to see my way a little clearer.

Going forward

The idea now is that I can have a focus for my meditation which isn’t about grabbing hold, but is about noticing and accepting and being loving.  This seems more like what I need right now.

My focus for meditation, in order of importance:

1. Being kind and loving to myself
2. Noticing and acknowledging ‘shoulds’
3. Being ok with not knowing my whole path beforehand

So I’m looking forward to seeing if I can keep these with me as I meditate.

Next post?

This early flick of a switch is what I’m starting to refer to as Beginner’s Breakthrough.  Fairly soon into a new practice I suddenly see things differently.  I’m wondering whether now I’m going to settle in for the longer term practice before anything new is going to crop up.  Only time will tell.

Want to see more? Try one of these posts:

• Day 25: I’m ready now?
• Day 20: An answer to a question
• Day 19: Remembering to stop trying so hard