Alex asked me about what I get from being all or nothing.  I think it’s a good question, so here’s a start at an answer.

It’s just who I am

This is the first, instinctive response.  It’s kind of defensive, totally disempowering but feels very true.  I can talk about Briggs-Meyers personality types and how I’m an NT (rational) and that we view time completely different and tend to be completely engrossed in whatever it is we are doing until it is done.  However, the little voice at the back of my head that I’m learning to hear and trust is saying “That’s not all there is to it, James”.

That thing you do, you do it for a reason

Every habit has a reason.  They all serve a purpose.  For a ‘bad’ habit it might be a fear-based or irrational reason, but they serve a reason nonetheless.  This should be no exception.

Benefits from being all or nothing:

• I get to be fully engrossed in what I’m doing, and I love that feeling of flow (it’s slightly addictive, I know I stay in it too long sometimes)
• I can get into the detail of something, have it swimming in my head, start making the connections and seeing the patterns and possibilities – that’s what I enjoy most of all
• It’s easier for me than a more half-hearted approach (what’s the alternative I’m not seeing here?)

Negatives from being all or nothing:

• It’s exhausting and unsustainable without careful break planning, which I currently don’t do
• Others can find me too much, too intense, which totally triggers my stuff
• Constant full-on mode becomes monotonous, and I hate boredom
• It can mean going long periods without social contact and other little and often necessities
• When life interrupts I get annoyed, and life always is going to interrupt or I’m going to have to ignore it, which is not a good alternative

A quick conclusion

Just from the above I can see a bit of a pattern forming (after sitting focussing intently on it for some unknown length of time).

All or nothing is fine, so long as I don’t overdo it.  If I plan regular changes and breaks in (and stick to them) I should be able to deal with all but one of the negatives, leaving just my general intensity (which I totally play down all the time after constant negative feedback as a kid).

A break or change after X minutes, which allows for enough time to get into a subject but doesn’t pass the point of diminishing returns, would seem like a good answer.  And if I’m feeling very brave I can admit to myself that the only way I’m going to get a good figure for X is by trial and error, starting with a reasonable guestimate.  I’m thinking 42.

I’ll leave the intensity stuff for another post.

Want to see more? Try one of these posts:

• Where I release my agoraphobia of the mind
• A pile of yuck I’ve been ignoring
• I need accountability