A pile of yuck I’ve been ignoring

Monday, March 2nd, 2009

There’s this pile of yuck hanging around that I’ve been ignoring, or side-lining or whatever, and rather than try and sit with it and talk to it or anything like that I’m just going to mention it here. It’s a first step, it gets some (indirect) attention and I get some accountability around it.

I’m not earning any money

I’m living off savings at the moment, and I’m lucky to be able to do that so I try and tell myself that I should feel lucky and grateful and happy about it. (Did you spot the should?) Of course, we all know that means that I don’t feel lucky or grateful or happy about it.

Well, ok, I’m definitely grateful, and luck has played a part if I’m honest, but I also feel icky about it. Like I’m wasting money that I’ve saved, that I don’t deserve this and that I’m being a total leech on society at the moment since I’m not out there doing my ‘great thing’, whatever it is.

Now I’ve talked about the guy in the jungle – forging on if he can’t see how his path is helping. I can apply that to myself, and remind myself that I’m following my heart AND intuition here, they both say I’m doing the right thing.

So why doesn’t that solve the problem? I still have a little voice casting doubt, I still remember times that I’ve fooled myself before. What if I’m wasting time & money and being a total waster?! Aargh!

So ok, there’s some issue about being a waster there.

Again, I can come back to the Byron Katie stuff and remind myself that I doing what I need to be doing right now.

I’m not earning any money

Hang on, everything else I just wrote was about spending savings (which is my frugal me kicking off) or doing stuff (which is my fear of boredom kicking off) or not being a waster (which is my fear of rejection kicking off) but actually, the bold letters are what’s really going on here.

I’m not earning any money.

This is a money issue. I’ve had a steady income since I started getting pocket money and when I stopped being a student and getting a monthly allowance from my Mum (thanks, Mum) I had a job to cover that instead. Suddenly I’m trying to base my income on my value and there’s a whole pile of new stuff coming up to meet it. Inadequacy and lack of social value along with a bit of self-disgust for being focussed on money.

And there was me pretending I didn’t have money issues. Except I knew that wasn’t true which was why I’d been avoiding it.

The good

I noticed it, I didn’t bury it but circled it in a safe way. It didn’t take someone else, an outside force or explosion to make me notice it. Hurrah for progress!

What next? Maybe give it some space to cool down again and then a conversation or some shiva nata or … well, I know lots of ways of dealing with stuff now. I guess it’s just a case of lining them up and meeting them one at a time. Me thinks I need a place to keep them all, a pattern waiting room as it were. Hmmmm.