Oh happy day!
*I’ve totally had that song playing in my head for 2 days now!
Shiva Nata: all is forgiven
If you follow my other blog then you may have noticed that it’s been a little patchy. I haven’t really felt inspired to do Shiva Nata and have therefore had little to say about it, or to show by way of video.
On wednesday morning (yup, it was 4.30 am again) that changed. I’ll write more about how and why over there, but for now I’m just totally thrilled to feel like I’ve found the way forward in a practice that was starting to feel stale and passed it’s usefulness.
Switching identities
I was doing my meditation writing before bed, given it’s success at bringing stuff to my attention, and I realised that I was getting a lot done during the day but that I would still be drawn to various ‘procrastination’ tasks in the evening and well into the night, such as twitter, reading blogs, email, and general link following. I wanted to know why I was doing this, so I did some Shiva Nata and my meditation and found a tiny shimmering thread which I carefully followed.
A page of journal later and I remember Joely’s comments about identity. My feeling each night that I hadn’t done what I was supposed to do were tied to an identity of someone who didn’t get the right things done in a day. I realised that if I identify as someone who gets it all done in one day then I will have no excuse to not get on with it all. That’s worth repeating.
If I identify as someone who gets it all done in one day then I will have no excuse to not get on with it all.
Now this begs a question: get on with what? To which the generalised answer is ‘anything that matters to me’. So let’s get specific.
What have I been up to so far then?
Every day I wake up and do what is most important to me: bodywork, meditation, connecting with people, connecting with food, thinking & writing.
This is a list that I could not have written not so long ago. It is the connection to each of these important parts of my life that has been my journey for the last 18 months. Yet this list is not complete. These are for me ‘hygiene tasks’. They are about keeping me centred, connected, resourced, supported, in other words: at my best. I have deeply connected with each of these in my explorations to date and will need to maintain these connections to continue forward in a confident, balanced and powerful way. But something was still missing…
What was missing?
I had a real sense that there was something that I wasn’t getting done. Having identified that the tasks I was now getting firmly rooted in were to support me I realised that it was the sense of moving forwards, of doing the great work that this support was to enable me to do, that was now missing. I finally felt ready to start growing into myself, to start coming out of my chrysalis and showing the world my true colours.
Finding a sense of purpose
During my journaling (I’d segued into my larger journal when it stopped being about ‘What am I feeling right now?’) I wrote three different senses of pull that I feel in terms of the direction that I want to go in, and indeed have been feeling for a long time (read: my whole life) and from there I simply asked myself, for each one, what would I need to do in order to take one small step in that direction.
At this point my neurons must have simultaneously played <insert name of piece of triumphant, fanfare-y, climactic classical music here because going duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh, duh, duh! doesn’t quite carry the impact of what’s playing in my head and I don’t know what it’s called – damn my poor training in the classics!> on their iPods because bam! thunderbirds are go! Each direction provided me with an action I was already taking in a small way. As each one appeared fireworks played overhead in an explosion of light.
- To speak in my own voice – just like I’ve been practicing on this blog
- To act from a place of greatness – like I do every time I connect with someone from the heart
- To give value in a way I find meaningful – such as all the different ways I help others when I can
And they combine in one simple mission statement:
To speak in my own voice, from a place of greatness, so as to give value to others in a way I find meaningful.
The imagery I get from this is massively powerful to me; a warm, radiant sun basking a field of corn. I feel confident, balanced and powerful.
Starting today
I may not be there now, but I can see myself there without fear or trepidation. Today I can start walking towards.
The imagery from my statement above is too strong for me to adapt to in one morning. Instead, I can look at how I have already started living these aspects in my life and just make sure that I continue to walk this path each day, making progress, growing stronger and more confident, and starting today. Indeed, I started when I was born, but now I walk this path aware of my way, with pride and with determination.
I will not always feel so confident as I do now. I will sometimes forget the strong sense of purpose and direction that I have finally found. So I have written myself a question to help me find my way again, to bring me back to my path. It is an unassuming question, one that asks only the smallest of steps, and yet can lead to the greatest of leaps.
Today, how can I be a candle in the dark for one person in my own quiet, uncertain way?
[...] So I sat up, grabbed my large journaling pad and wrote “I notice that I am resisting the change to my sleep cycle.” What followed blew me away. [...]