I need accountability

Tuesday, January 27th, 2009

Going nowhere

Ok, I’m starting to think that I need some outside help.  I watching some pretty amazing people, do some pretty amazing things around me and I’m realising that there’s a lot I’m not facing still.  There’s a lot that’s feels like it’s hovering on the peripheral of my awareness, ready for me to turn and look at it, but I’m not looking.

Now I can come up with all kinds of rationalisation around needing to be kind to myself, and dancing round the pain, and being ok with where I am right now, but I’m feeling like I want to get going and I’m revving my engine, but I’m not taking the gears out of neutral because driving is to damn freaking scary!

I know some very cool people nowadays.  Supportive, caring, thoughtful, intelligent people.  The kind of people I craved growing up.  So now I’m putting it in writing that I’m looking for help to give me a bit of a push forward.

Where to go?

Whenever I try and consciously think about what issues I might deal with or what’s keeping me stuck I can’t seem to find anything.  It’s like there’s a little munchkin in my head that keeps all these things just out of view.  So even when I do at least pay lip service to thinking about these things the munchkin is able to whip them away as I turn my gaze and I’m left feeling like I’ve someone hiding stuff just behind my head.  Yeah, creepy, I know.

So I’m feeling stuck even knowing where to head to, and I’m feeling stuck knowing what to do about it.  Just trying to get this out feels like I’m making stuff up because I can’t think of anything to justify it other than a gut feeling and the fact that I’m not exactly living the dream right now (heck, I don’t even know what my dream is – all the stuff I want, that’s being pulled from view by that pesky munchkin too).

Any starters for 10?

Want to see more? Try one of these posts:

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9 comments

Charlie:
 1 

We gotta name the demon before we can slay it. What are you dancing around?

Trusting yourself?
Failure?
Other people laughing?
Not living up to what you want to be?
Not knowing what the future will bring (i.e. uncertainty?)

Charlie’s last blog post..Jingling Our Lives Away

January 27th, 2009 at 1:59 am
chas:
 2 

how strange…another charles to the rescue!

i would love to see you just take care of some old business, whatever it is. clean out a closet, balance a checkbook, sweep under the bed…whatever…

just get yourself into the flow of taking care of old business. something is holding you back…turn around and see if you can catch a glimpse of it!

peace,

chas

chas’s last blog post..monday morning motivator! 9, one day it’ll blow a hole in our heads

January 27th, 2009 at 2:35 am
James | Dancing Geek:
 3 

@Charlie – if I knew what it was, I’d tell ya!

@chas – old business…hmmm. Ok, I can try that. *struggle, struggle, yuck, resistance* Hmmm, may not be easy. But I wanted a direction and now I’ve got one.

January 27th, 2009 at 2:53 am
chas:
 4 

keep it simple james! do the dishes!

chas’s last blog post..monday morning motivator! 9, one day it’ll blow a hole in our heads

January 27th, 2009 at 3:40 am
Urban Panther:
 5 

I tend to agree with chas. Keep it simple. It is amazing what bubbles to the surface when we are doing mundane chores like the dishes.
However, I do have some excellent unblocking techniques, which I can share with you.

I think the key is to not try so hard. Sometimes we get our knickers in a knot about having our knickers in a knot.

Urban Panther’s last blog post..Failures in the medical profession

January 27th, 2009 at 11:02 am
Joely Black:
 6 

What about, rather than slaying that munchkin, having a chat with it? Maybe it wants to be heard. Maybe it’s trying to protect you from hurt. Maybe you should embrace it, and thank it for all the hard work it’s doing!

Joely Black’s last blog post..Thoughts from some artwork on the fear of finishing

January 27th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
James | Dancing Geek:
 7 

@chas – oh I can manage that!

@UP – me, try too hard, never! Always enjoy hearing new techniques, if only to see if it’s something that I can pick up quickly, rather than be another stick to beat myself with.

@Joely – yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. As you were writing this comment I was actually sat next to my laptop (turned off) doing just that. It was very, very awesome. Thank you for this wonderful prompt.

January 27th, 2009 at 11:24 pm
Charlie:
 8 

@Joely: Talking to the negative part of yourself? Who on earth would ever want to do that? Slay it!

Of course, you know I’m kidding. The language I used was unfortunate, but the thrust is the same: we need to know more about the munchkin before we can either make it go away (SLAY IT FTW!!) or have it inform us what’s going on inside of us so that we can sit with that part of ourselves and let it be (put your swords away, boys – it’s tea time).

Whether or not munchkins ever go away is a substantive psycho-metaphysical question that we’ll save for another day.

Charlie’s last blog post..Beyond Productivity: Living From The Inside Out (Episode 5)

January 28th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
James | Dancing Geek:
 9 

@Charlie – “Whether or not munchkins ever go away is a substantive psycho-metaphysical question”. Oh Charlie, I love it when you get all intellectual. :P

Thanks for the giggle.

Check out the conversation with my Munchkin if you’re interested in finding out more.

January 28th, 2009 at 3:05 pm

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