Dancing Geek

Today I intended to get on with something concrete.  Just one little thing that I could do to move me forwards.  I still intend to find something, but despite feeling really good about this idea all weekend when I got up this morning the idea suddenly filled me with dread.

Oh, hello fear.

So, I decided to try and find out more about what was going on, because I’ve never been the one to push through yuck and hard, but having learnt other ways of engaging with it I don’t have to ignore it and hope it goes away any more.

Child me

As I sat with the thought for a while, trying to understand what had changed, I realised that when I was thinking about it as a future event I was very calm about it all, I saw all the benefits and really wanted to get some of these things done so as to move towards my goals.  However, once it got into the present a different mindset took hold.  This one was definitely much more of a child’s viewpoint.  The feeling of wanting to stamp my feet and scream “NO!” at the top of my voice, to pout and say “You can’t make me.”

Since I now know that I don’t actually have the mental or emotional age of a toddler, there has to be something else going on here.  So again I sat with the idea as to why I would react so strongly, and in such a child-like manner.

I wondered if, like fear, it was trying to protect me from something.  I wrote out a little note asking child me to let me know what it was protecting me from or wanting to keep me from losing.  I certainly have read enough about adults who have forgotten what it’s like to be a child, and are causing suffering for themselves and others as a result, to want to make sure I didn’t lose the connection to my little playful boy-self but this didn’t explain what was going on for me.  (Which isn’t to say it doesn’t make sense, at least to me, but that it doesn’t have that click-aha feeling attached to it of suddenly seeing what’s going on.  It’s this separation between sense and fit that causes so much well-meaning advice to be completely useless and frankly annoying.)

Team of one

At first, I wondered if there was a way for adult-me to choose what to do, and boy-me to choose how to do it.  So that both were happy.  But thinking this through with examples showed that to blatantly fail very quickly.  It needed a more combined approach, where both adult-me and boy-me were involved in all decisions, which is tricky because I don’t want to end up with a life that looks like a camel and frankly the idea of installing some kind of beauracray in my head just to make decisions sounds terrifying and nauseating.  Rather, finding a way to get back to a feeling of wholeness where I include both these sides is what experience tells me is the route to take.

Still, until that happens I’ve got two competing ‘voices’ to deal with, so I sat them down to talk.

Adult Me (AM): I need a CV in order to improve my chances of X. [yup, I'm still being coy about the details for now]

Child Me (CM): BORING! *pout*

AM: It could be fun remembering all the stuff we did before.

CM: … (ouch)

It turns out that remembering all that stuff actually hurts.

Peeling back the layers

Once I get to an ouch, I know that I’m starting to get underneath the surface of what’s going on.  The next thing I wrote says it all:

I’m still so afraid that people will laugh at me & think I’m odd.

Which triggers shame at still being afraid, compassion at being human, and pain from the memories that caused this protective fear to get put together in the first place.

More to the point, if someone laughs at me I’ll remember what it was like at school.  I’ll remember all the hurt, and the loneliness, and the misery, and the hatred, and the fear, and the anger, and the resentment, and the confusion, and the betrayal, and the pain.

Can’t think why I’d want to avoid that.

My current plan is failing

I didn’t even realise I had a current plan, but it slowly dawned on me that I was trying to forget about all of this.  Trying to erase what happened and give myself a new childhood full of happy thoughts, good friends, fun times and laughter.  And it’s not like these are bad things to have, it’s just that I can’t have them as a child and as an adult at the same time.  And that’s where we come back full circle to the original problem.

I’m trying to be a kid and an adult at the same time.  I’m trying to be fully self-actualised (yuck, spit, ack – need a better word for this) and at the same time to rewrite my childhood by giving myself what I didn’t have before.

Turns out that doesn’t work.

I suppose I could put a hold on the adult stuff and try and give myself a wonderful new childhood, but the lovely denial siren is going off in my head at the thought.  I know that I wouldn’t be satisfied with that, it wouldn’t be real, and it would cause as many problems as it might seek to solve.  So I need another plan.

If I am not able to fix the crappy parts of my childhood, can I accept them?  Can I forgive myself for not knowing then what I know now and let what happened be what happened?  Not let it define who I am now?  Not need to fix it, but rather start from here and move forwards?

Right now, I’m not sure, but it sounds like a better plan to try.  It’s a more mindful plan, a kinder plan, a more compassionate plan.  I’m just not sure how to make it happen.

Soft vs Hard vs Easy

All this stuff is working in the soft still.  That is, working with emotions and mindsets as opposed to real world systems and actions.  Now that I have an idea of what I want to happen for me I’ve this drive to get into the hard stuff as well.  And I can do both at the same time, it’s just that the hard (concrete) stuff will be hard (difficult) whilst I’m still working on the soft connected to it.

Knowing that I’m working on making the hard (concrete & difficult) stuff easier (but still concrete) makes it easier in itself, or more palatable at least.  It becomes a choice between waiting indefinitely or working to get the rewards, rather than a choice between doing the hard (difficult) stuff or not.  It seems that child-me can get on board with the first option (waiting is boring after all) but not the second.

[I'd edit that to make it make more sense, but I can't be bothered.]

Whatever happens, I plan to start letting go of the past, let it be what it was, and instead look at the present and what I can do now to change the future.

Oh brother.

I had one of those realisations on Friday night / Saturday morning that makes you go “Oh Bugger, Really?”.  The kind where I go, “Oh yeah! Both Joely and Chas have written about this recently, and I still didn’t get it!”.

You see, I haven’t had a weekend off since I stopped being employed.

Oh the irony!

Yeah, by not having any structure at all, I just mushed all the days into one and never made time to stop unless I *had* to (i.e. illness, fatigue, burn out).  Like, duh, hello?  That’s not good and healthy!  But at that point in time, even enough structure to prevent burnout felt repellant, I was in full on reverse swing mode.  FREEEEEEEDOOOOOOOOM!

But this Friday I started to look at what I need to do to get things moving on my secret, hidden plans.  And I started to *want* a little structure.  So I put a very gentle one together and then gave myself the weekends to goof off (which was good, because the next day was Saturday so I got a good start!)

Well, when Saturday turned up and I made sure that I didn’t do anything goal-oriented but just pootled in the garden and read a book – oh wow!  It was fantastic.  I was relaxed, and happy, and spent some much needed quality time with my little family (bunnies and a boy).

I’m not going to chastise myself for not doing this earlier, I don’t think I could have done it earlier, but wow – it was great to finally be able to switch off for a bit after 18 months!

And people actually think I’ve been dossing around all this time.

Intellectually I understand that to make room for the new I have to let go of some of the old.  It appears however that I quite like the old as well.  This seems to be keeping me stuck where I am, in limbo.

I’m not sure what comes next. I just have a really strong sense that I’m going to have to give up something I like to be able to get the new stuff that I want.  This is not so fun.  It’s like the advice that sometimes you have to stop doing the fun stuff that’s also good for your business in order to do the stuff that’s really going to let it grow.

Like the analogy of the glass jar with the rocks, pebbles, sand (& water).

I think I’ve got quite attached to some of my pebbles.  I’m scared to let them go.  Each pebble represents an opportunity, a door that I’m holding open.  I’ve always had an aversion to closing metaphorical doors out of fear of losing that one magical path to happiness.

The way forward?

I think it would be to spend some time being honest with myself about what are rocks, pebbles and sand.  Then be honest about how many pebbles and how much sand I can keep in my jar once I’ve given the rocks their space.  I may have to say goodbye to some pebbles, and reduce the amount of sand I use.

I’m uncertain how I’ll feel about that loss.  In part it’s freeing, but it’s also destabilising, which equals scary.