Turning a lifelong fear into strength

Friday, October 10th, 2008
Scary Raven by Kamia the Wolf

Scary Raven by Kamia the Wolf

The fact that I can look at this photo without freaking out is pretty damn awesome.

A lifelong fear

When I was a cute little kid (oh, what went wrong?! :P ) I had nightmares about wolves. Well, a nightmare actually. The same one, over and over and over again. I can still retell it to this day (not that I like to, it still freaks me out a little).

Getting what you need

Anyway, in the vein of ‘the Universe sends you stuff when you need it’ I’ve been reading various posts that converged for me. First off (thought not necessarily chronologically speaking), Havi recently posted about how to meet your fear in a totally amazing and non-yucky way, then Urban Panther posted about her Panther name and ‘companion’, also Emma wrote about being able to turn towards her fear cave/tunnel through the use of crayons and I was also reading about the Rememberance process from Mark’s free workbook.

Turning fear into strength

So, that’s the prelude, here’s the story.

I was having a go at the Rememberance stuff (the bit you need to know is that I end up feeling full of compassion and love and happy thoughts). To do it I had my eyes closed, and the dark (plus it’s like 2am or something because that’s when I do my stuff) triggers my wolf fear again. Oh hello wolf fear, I know you sooooo well.

The thing is, and I can’t remember where I got this from, the opposite of love is fear. And I was chock full o’ love at this point so the fear popped up but I found myself happy to sit there and watch it, and let it be, and not ignore it or chase it away. So my wolfy buddy just sat there and wasn’t chased away and didn’t disappear. Then the crazy amazing wonderful bit happened.

NOTHING HAPPENED!

Mr Wolf sat there, he did not run at me and bite my head off, growl, snarl or even howl. He just sat there looking at me. (Note: at this point, I can’t actually see a wolf, this is just the intense feeling I get that a wolf is near me) By this point I am kinda doing a little freaked out happy dance in my head. Wow, being able to sit with my fear is amazing. Plus, hey, there’s this wolf feeling that’s been following me around for 20+ years and it’s sat there patiently waiting for me.

Meeting my fear in animal form

So now I had this amazing opportunity to meet my wolf fear and have a little conversation with him. Hmmm, wacky sounding, but given the journey I’ve been on for the last 11 months I was ready to try something other than left-brain logic to deal with a situation.

That particular evening I was really only prepared to acknowledge and sense. I got an image (a non-snarly version of picture above, or pretty close anyway) and just felt the presence with a sense of love rather than fear. For me, pretty damn monumental.

Fast forward to tonight. I spend a fantastic evening with one of my few met-in-real-life, super cool, can talk about fear with, friends. At the end I spot some wolf bookends and a conversation gets kicked off. Lots of support and lots of honesty (“You can lie to yourself, James, but you can’t lie to me.”) The end result, I’m about ready to actually have a conversation with the one thing that has terrified me my entire life.

Let’s have that again for real dramatic effect:

I’m about ready to actually have a conversation with the one thing that has terrified me my entire life.

How’s that for awesomeness?!

So here goes:

Hi. Why have you been following me around for 20+ years?

  • You’re not in with the rest of the pack, you need to come join us.

Oh, that sounds a bit scary, why do I need to join the pack?

  • In the pack lies strength of numbers, and the assurance to allow you to build real self-confidence
  • In the pack you can be part of something bigger that works towards real action
  • In the pack you will no longer feel alone

BAM! And with number three we have tears. Who knew? Well, apparently, my wolf did. He’s being following me around a long time. I’m so glad I finally learnt how to listen to him.

Thanks to everyone who helped me get here and thanks to you for reading this. Let’s go howl at the moon!

Want to see more? Try one of these posts:

«
»

12 comments

Lynn Crymble:
 1 

That’s so wonderful James! I hope to be able to have a talk with my great fear someday, although even the thought of it scares the crap out of me :) I have an inkling that there’s something in your realization for me – “In the pack you will no longer feel alone”. Wonderful stuff.

October 10th, 2008 at 3:18 am
Carole:
 2 

What an amazing thing to have happen!

Your story makes me want to find and confront something of my own….

I’m very happy for you! : )

October 10th, 2008 at 3:27 am
Monica:
 3 

Amazing story. Hopefully I’ll be able to talk to/through my fears and be able to understand what they are trying to teach me.

You have a new fan :-)

October 10th, 2008 at 3:31 am
Tzaddi:
 4 

Aroooooooooooooo! Aroooooooooooo!

Glad you’ve found the pack :-)

October 10th, 2008 at 3:38 am
James:
 5 

@Lynn – Thank you. :)

Step 1 is *always* give yourself permission to feel how you feel. Best lesson ever! :)

The sense of belonging, of tribe, is so strong in humans. I look forward to finding/building my tribe/pack from a place of strength.

@Carole – yey for inspiration! But before you go ‘confronting’ any fears read Havi’s post. Pure fear melting juicy goodness! P.S. You have a new subscriber – excellent website recommendations!

@Monica – totally wish you loads of happy good feelings for meeting your fear.

@Tzaddi – Arooooooooo! :D Just 1 week ago that would have had me hiding under my duvet!

October 10th, 2008 at 3:52 am
Heather:
 6 

beautiful. thank you for sharing this moment.

October 10th, 2008 at 4:09 am
Duff:
 7 

Wonderful! I found you from Havi on Twitter.

The process you described is very similar to a process I recently discovered and use with myself for everything, and am now coaching clients with. It’s called Core Transformation (http://coretransformation.org), and it similarly engages directly with one’s wacky unconscious (like the wolf image/feeling) and asks “what do you want” at deeper and deeper levels. I’m continually amazed that every part of me wants something very positive.

Metaphorically, the wolf often represents the teacher. I used to be obsessed with wolves when I was a kid (the opposite of your wolf phobia). Now I love teaching people stuff. Coincidence? :)

October 10th, 2008 at 4:36 am
chris zydel:
 8 

Hi James,

What a wonderful process and a great story!

I have a student ( I teach expressive arts/intuitive painting classes), who had a dream image/waking fantasy of a guy who had been tortured that kept coming up again and again. This understandably disturbed and deeply frightened her and she would always try to repress it ……which she actively did for over 30 years!!!!

She finally told me about it and I encouraged her to use the painting process as a way to explore this figure. She did and found out that he had a lot to say to her about the wounded masculine inside of her and in the culture at large.

After she painted him she started to write about him and after 5 years ended up with a gripping, adventurous fantasy trilogy about his spiritual quest from tortured and dying to whole and healed. She realized at a certain point that this inner figure that she so feared was really trying to lead her to a place where she could engage with the power of her own creativity and bring an important message into the world.

I wonder what that wonderful wolf has in store for you???

Thanks for the inspiring post….

October 10th, 2008 at 7:45 am
James:
 9 

@Heather – my pleasure (well, mostly pleasure, also a little bit of fear in there) :)

@Duff – Hmmm, wolf as teacher? Interesting. It is fascinating the different meanings animal figures can hold. Thanks for the link – I’m always interested in learning about new techniques and ideas.

@Chris – wow, what an image. I have to admit that one idea that came to mind was a dance/improv based around my wolf (that being my expressive art of choice). But to physically channel him like that – oooph, a bit too powerful/overwhelming for me right now. Still, I have a few pieces in my head that I want to make reality when I have more comfort from which to create them, so I’ll keep in the process and see where it goes.

October 10th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
chris zydel:
 10 

James the Dancing Wolf….. yes, yes…. but you are right to take your time, be compassionate and gentle with yourself, and honor your own readiness when dealing with these powerful archetypal energies. And the good news is that your wolf is very patient and is not going anywhere!

October 10th, 2008 at 7:18 pm
Emma McCreary:
 11 

Oooh, I got chills reading what your wolf had to say. That’s an amazingly direct example of “your fears have something to tell you”. And what a powerful totem! I’ve got a big smile on my face for you. =)

October 12th, 2008 at 7:11 am
James:
 12 

@Emma – Thank you! I’ve gone from being scared of the dark to being very comfortable just because now I feel like that powerful presence is there looking out for me. :)

October 12th, 2008 at 2:38 pm

Leave a reply

Name (*)
Mail (will not be published) (*)
URI
Comment