I’m so excited waiting to see if the seeds I’ve planted will sprout.  I feel like a little kid in primary school who’s planted a sunflower (I have some, but I’m waiting to put these direct into the ground) and looks at the pot every day to see if anything has changed yet.  I’m totally fussing: have I given them too much water or too little?  But in a nice, fun way rather than a stressy yucky way.  Or at least in a self-aware way which means I fuss but then I see myself fussing and go: relax…

I’m calling it meditation

As well as playing with soil and sand (for drainage) I’ve been doing my meditation practice (I’m calling it meditation for short, because ‘sitting/writing/feeling thing-a-me-bob that I do maybe once or twice a day’ is just too much of a mouthful.)  The result of which has been some awesome noticing and writing to release (so pretty much what Joely said).

Dissolving emotions

What amuses me the most is that it was only when I started writing just to have it written down that it caused them to dissolve.  Before, I always had the intention of ‘letting go’ or ‘getting rid’ of the feeling, which causes it to stick harder or, as often happens for me, for the feeling to go back in it’s box and sulk and wait for a totally inopportune moment to get its subtle revenge.

I even caught myself thinking “It’s ok, you can come out and talk, I’m not trying to get rid of you.”  Which was thankfully rapidly followed by the understanding that I can’t fool myself and was just lying to myself, which is not a healthy thing to do.  I’ve been there and am not going back.

It’s hard to record emotions though without wishing them away, particularly when others have written about how noticing and witnessing the emotion will cause it to fall away.  It’s like saying “Don’t think about pink elephants!”  But I finally got out of my head enough to find that sweet spot, and now that I’ve found my way there I can thankfully get back there again and again.  Muy bueno!

A spot of detail

Just to share what I’m doing in more detail, in case you want to try something similar or compare notes or just mock me, I sit down (usually in my jammies and over-jammies* sitting in the sun, if it’s first thing when I get up) and write out the date, time and the question “What am I feeling right now?”  I then write the names of whatever emotions come up.  Sometimes it’s a simple word, like angry, confused or relaxed other times it requires a phrase (usually because I can’t think what the name is) such as ‘like dancing’, ‘a little time pressured’ or ‘fear or isolation’.  I may end up writing out whole sentences if I feel like I’m getting a particular message come through, but this is the rarest of all.  All this noticing sometimes also kicks off an epiphany and I will write down what has come up, boxing it off so that I can find it easily later on.

*over-jammies are a loose jumper and jogging bottoms to keep me warm but which are completely manouvreable enough for me to do my stretching in them without having to work around them

Onion style

This process is iterative, like the peeling away of layers.  So each time I feel I have written a layer out I will return to sitting still, putting the pad and pen down.  I try and reach stillness, but rather than force it upon myself (like that would work anyway) I will see if anything starts to come up into the quiet.  If it does I give it a little while to come and make itself known (basically as long as I can go without having to write it down, but not so long as I will forget the name of the feeling) and then get my pad and start writing again.  I can usually tell if there is something left to come as I can feel it sitting in my body.  So I will go through a body check and ask each part of my body how it’s feeling.

It comes in shifts.  I will do many short meditations as each layer comes up until finally I will be able to sit quite still and have nothing coming up in my mind.  Once I’ve gone through this process completely I am usually left feeling very clean, clear and bright and ready to face the day.  It’s an amazing transformation, which would leave me totally blown away except that that’s just another layer I’d write down until I find the peace beneath that.

The juicy stuff

I got a couple of epiphanies this morning, which made for a pretty long and scribbled entry. (58 emotions, and yes I totally counted them again, and no I’m not going to do a big graph and chart how much emotion I’ve got at different times of the day and plan out my peaks and troughs and plan my life around them because that would kind of be me over-planning again now wouldn’t it.  What do you mean that’s not what you were thinking?  Oh, I’ll get on with what I was saying then.)

Epiphany #1: bitching is about bonding

I realised that the side of me that likes to bitch and moan about stuff comes from the desire to have people like me, and one way to bond with someone is to have a common enemy (even if only perceived).  Of course, all that negativity is totally yucky and draining, but I do it anyway because it makes me feel a lot closer to those I’m bitching and gossiping with.  So, let’s see if I can replace bitching with making a genuine connection by trying to help people.

Epiphany #2: good vs evil marketing/sales

This is less of an epiphany and more of an odd, half-formed, thought.  I started to think about making money.  I would like this to be through my giving real social value to others, without the need to fabricate the feeling of demand in the others I am serving.  However, by letting people know how I can help them am I not automatically going to remind them of some sort of lack in their lives?  Is there a way to offer value without making people sad first?!

I wondered if there was a difference between corporations that advertise on a grand scale to let everyone know that they’re making something that could improve their lives and me telling as many people the same thing.

Obviously I can talk about intent, how mine would be to provide value and corporations are about making profit.  But I’m still not sure where the line is here.  Still, these are useful thoughts on my path towards becoming a confident, balanced and powerful social-preneur.

Epiphany #3: My left hemisphere is sneaking up in new places

I found myself considering “soap is a compromise for not washing often enough” in the shower.  Complete with suggestions (like some wacky Victorian guide for Gentry) that simply rinsing/scrubbing thoroughly in warm water is enough, so long as the key areas (you know, the sweaty bits…) are washed 2 or 3 times a day.  Now obviously doing this is inpractical for most, hence soap is the compromise we make to help us last longer between washings.  Truth is, however, that soap is not great for our skin – I’m pretty sure modern soaps are better, but still not ideal.  It was all kicked off by my own little ‘no poo’ trial (which has been very successful, to my sister’s confused amazement).

Also, and seemingly unrelated, is my comment on chas’ blog.  I suddenly started looking at a trend that I’d seen across a number of blogs and was drawing inductions left, right and centre.

It appears that my pattern spotting, theorising tendencies are finding new ways to express themselves.  Only question is, are they useful?

P.S. Day 4 of my thing without a name is due up shortly – you can check the others out on my channel while you wait.

Want to see more? Try one of these posts:

• Having a good time
• Following a thread as far as I can
• Epiphany and comedy