Setting myself up for failure

Sunday, December 14th, 2008

Does the universe send you messages?

Today I got a message, over and over again.

Let go.  Get quiet.  Listen to yourself.  Do what you are compelled to do.

But how?

The question that sends me into a frenzy of googling, reading and note taking.  The answer: don’t worry about that.  Stop it.  I’ll figure it out.  And if that’s too much to handle then try to just let your mind give you the pros and cons and then let your heart be the judge.

Next steps

So I’ve previously written about how I try to manage projects by having an end goal and knowing what my next steps are.  Well one admission is that I’m not really sure what my end goal is, and working that out is one thing I want to work on.  So my next step can be to start finding out what it is that I want.

I’ve supposedly been doing this for the last year (the “I’m taking time out to decide what to do next” story).  But buggery bollocks have I.  I’ve been spending the year going “I don’t have to have a job” and just basking in awe at that statement (the silly grin on my face as I said it probably pissed a few people off too).  Finding out that stuff happens even if you don’t pre-plan it to the tiniest detail, finding out that there are people out there like me, and reading everything I could lay my hands on as an avoidance to actually doing anything (as well as a massive big learning trip – pun intended).

I’m bored of reading however.  Well, ok, that’s a total lie.  I’m bored of feeling like I’m getting nowhere, the reading I can and will keep doing because I LOVE IT to pieces.  Learning.  That joyous, scrumptious perfection.  How could I spend a day not learning something new.  It would be a dead day to me.  But learning all the time is just plain exhausting, down time is a necessity for my brain to process information.  That means sleeping a heck of a lot or having the occasional ‘winter’ resting period.  Since sleeping lots really pisses people off even more than saying “I don’t have to have a job”, and I haven’t mastered afternoon naps yet, I get these little winters crop up, such as my recent energy slump.

So next steps?

Ok, so the point I was going for, and missed somewhere, was that I’ve yet to take direct action.  Whilst it’s true that I’ve been thinking about stuff, I want to feel like I’ve at least tried to take action, even if I fall flat on my face and find out I need some more time or something.  So here goes…

For the next 30 days I’m going to do 20 minutes breathing meditation every day.

Anyone not overwhelmed by this needs to pretend right now that this is the most amazing revelation they have heard, or just keep quiet, m’kay?!  For me this is absolutely pants-wetting terrifying.  It triggers so many buttons that I’m listing them here just so I can really embrace the freaking out I’m doing right now:

  • Fear of becoming a grey fuddy-duddy who does the same thing every day
  • Fear of my friends, family and bf mocking me
  • Fear of committing to something for zero results
  • Fear of failing completely and publicly
  • Fear of stillness and quiet
  • Fear of finding out something I don’t like

And, ’cause maybe there’s a few things I’ve learnt to help with these, I’m going to try and remember that:

  • I can handle it
  • People change
  • I’m loved
  • The only thing that matters is that it’s right for me
  • ‘Zero results’ never happens when you’re mindful
  • I can only fail completely if I continue to put it off
  • I can handle it

I’m going to write about how I’m doing here, kinda Steve Pavlina style except me-style, if you catch my drift.  And to try and make it more likely that I keep to this my plan is to tie it up with my (very flexible, because otherwise I’d drop it straight off) morning routine.  When I’ve got around to doing stuff like eat, wash and dress I’m going for Shiva Nata then meditation then journaling.

And now I’m going to actually publish this post, about 9 hours after I started it.

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10 comments

Duff:
 1 

One year I committed to doing 20 minutes of asana practice every day. That includes savasana, and some days that’s all I did!

All year my internal chatter kept saying either how 20 minutes wasn’t enough, or how great it would be to do 2-3 hours a day. But yet I kept slugging away at my 20 minutes, and to my surprise, it made a huge difference in my health, body awareness, flexibility, and overall calm.

I didn’t make all 365 days, more like 320, but it was still very worth it.

In fact, I’m toying with the idea again, or something like it….

Best of luck!

Duff’s last blog post..Beat the Recession/Holiday Blues with Core Transformation

December 14th, 2008 at 5:28 am
Joely Black:
 2 

We’re getting the same basic message, I think. Either that or the universe sends out bulk email. Letting go is really tough because the mind wants to Work It All Out and Have Answers. The mind also wants to do.

So, confessional. I know what you mean. I’ve been getting a constant kick in the pants over being a writer for… er… my whole life. This is what led to the whole Splat in the first place. I kept trying not to do it. Most people have to try to write and spend years on a sentence. I write 17 books compulsively but I can’t face Making It Real. I want to hide. I don’t want anybody to see me, my world or anything of it.

Some of it’s failure, but most of it’s success and commitment and Doing The Impossible. So I get to a stage where I feel Almost OK with it. And what does the universe say? Sit down, shut up and don’t do anything. How am I supposed to get a publishing deal sitting down, shutting up and doing nothing? Hmmm?

Even those of us who know what we were put here to do struggle with it. That’s my point. You’ve already broken social conventions with the whole “I don’t have to have a job” which I think is utterly fabulous, by the way. I’ve been doing that for four years now. It’s called pretending to have a business. And I’ve reached the same space as you where I know that no more courses, seminars or reading is going to magically make it all go ping. Now I have to face the Big Ugly.

You find the thing you’re meant to be doing when you sit down and shut up. You know what the universe had to do to make me sit down and shut up? It had to kill me for five minutes and then leave me with temporary memory loss. Even then I fought it really hard.

But it’s also good because it’s better than waking up at 80 and realising you’ve done the same thing every day for the last 40 years.

The final really important thing I have to say is that there’s usually a feeling amongst Us Types that everybody else has it sorted. We feel defensive because they have Jobs, Houses, Partners and Commitments. The truth is, we’re prepared to look deeper at what there is going on in life. So it’s ok. It’s all just… OK.

And now I’ll stop writing essays on your blog, and go write my own…

Joely Black’s last blog post..You know what you’re doing, even when you don’t

December 14th, 2008 at 9:52 am
Sarah Lacy:
 3 

I’m with Joely – the Universe just sends out bulk mail.

I’ve been getting the same message, again, and again, and again. How many times have I ignored?
I suck at math. I can’t count that high.

I’ve been in the same place as you (again, this is eerie, I feel like I’m reading about me, except the person lives across an ocean, and is uhh…male.)

I’ve been reading and learning and waiting for that “ping!” moment where I’ll just suddenly get it and everything will fall into place.

Except I’m learning that life isn’t like that. The Universe isn’t like that. And it wants me to relax and let go, and at the same time, do what I’m afraid of doing.

I totally get the fear of the silence, and I wish you so much luck with your meditation. I believe you can do it.

December 14th, 2008 at 6:28 pm
James | Dancing Geek:
 4 

@Duff – committing to a whole year, that in itself is impressive. Just 30 days seems like an interminable stretch to me! Thanks for your support.

@Joely – “bulk email”, LOL. “pretending to have a business”, LOL again with lots of nodding! Thank you. Here’s to seeing what happens when we try being quiet for a while (and anyone who’s met me in the flesh knows what a struggle that will be!)

@Sarah – numbers you might want to use include the googolplex or lesser known but larger Graham’s number. However, you may well be accused of hyperbole if you did. *end geek-out*

Hurrah to knowing you’re not the only one (and thank you very much for saying so). I wonder if letting go still counts if you’re holding someone else’s hand whilst you do it? Me thinks it is, and me thinks it sounds like a nice idea.

Thanks for the belief. If I run out of mine, I will definitely use some of yours!

December 14th, 2008 at 9:53 pm
chas:
 5 

so this is where all the other folks who don’t have to have jobs hang out. it certainly helps with the morning routine!

James, I’ve been doing 30 minutes of morning pages followed by 15 minutes of heart meditation off and on for the past few years. on is good! I’ll be watching your progress.

chas

chas’s last blog post..friday afternoon update! 9: i’ve got a secret

December 14th, 2008 at 11:42 pm
James | Dancing Geek:
 6 

@chas – Oooh, heart meditation, that’s another one I could try with. Think I’ll see how I do with this one first though! Thanks for the accountability ;)

December 15th, 2008 at 1:04 am
Urban Panther:
 7 

The Universe sends out bulk email – I LOVE that. And I think it’s true. After a year of complete job misery, I spent a week being quiet and meditative, and I am now ready to take action.

James, just remember there is no ‘right way’ to meditate. Even 20 minutes of chatter is okay, if you are mindful of the chatter. Like an inner dialogue. Or like Charlotte’s voice, eh? I’m looking forward to your postings.

December 15th, 2008 at 11:00 am
James | Dancing Geek:
 8 

@Urban Panther – oooh, yes, Charlotte’s voice. I guess that’s why it seemed so helpful, because it was written out in a way that meant as a reader you were mindful of it. I am very curious as to how this is going to pan out now, which is good because curiosity is one thing I find very motivating!

December 15th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
Sonia Simone | Remarkable Communication:
 9 

“The universe sends bulk mail” is great!

And don’t worry about it getting boring. Meditation is boring. That’s part of it.

“I’m bored.” Come back to the breath. “My leg itches.” Come back to the breath. “That dirty &&*%$# totally screwed me over on that thing yesterday and then . . .” Come back to the breath. “I’m still bored.” Come back to the breath. “I wonder how many more minutes I have to go?” Come back to the breath. “I think this might be unbearable.” Come back to the breath.

It’s practice in dropping it. It’s practice in being present in the current moment no matter how you feel. Bored, angry, irritated, uncomfortable, etc.

Sitting meditation is a wonderful practice. The change is quiet (usually) but it’s wonderful. The first time you find yourself staying calm and slightly amused in a situation that once would have completely derailed you, you’ll smile.

Sonia Simone | Remarkable Communication’s last blog post..Why This is the Best Time to Finally Break Free

December 16th, 2008 at 6:25 pm
James | Dancing Geek:
 10 

@Sonia – *sigh* Thank you. Relief can now replace worry.

December 16th, 2008 at 7:27 pm

One Trackback/Ping

  1. monday morning motivator! 3, the failure edition — creative lifestyles    Dec 15 2008 / 7pm:

    [...] will offer you valuable advice anyway. so of course i’ve been tested on that. and of course signals from the void keep reminding me to remember what i wrote. to remember what i’ve learned. to [...]

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