Getting to sleep and other success stories

Wednesday, March 11th, 2009

Last night I had another one of my “aargh, no, I can’t go to sleep yet” moments. Where, just as I decide that it would be a good time to go to bed (or indeed about 2 hours after I decide that it would be a good time to go to bed) and I turn off my laptop, get up and start to clean my teeth, I am hit by a wave of anxiety. It is almost part of my night time routine it is that regular (the only time it isn’t around is when I’m too tired to be anxious).

So, the wave hits, and so I sit down to do what is the only thing I’ve found that works. Writing it out. I write down everything that’s rushing through my brain. Some of it is crazy ideas, some of it is self-talk, and some of it is nonsense. Having tried a bit of meditation I give in to the fact that I’m just too tired to do anything constructive and that (as I have done so many times before) staying up any further would be a waste of time.

Success #1: I can choose to go to bed.

I actually manage to therefore put my notepad down and crawl to bed. Hoorah for normal activities that others manage so effortlessly.

Success #2: I can turn off the manic little voice (a bit).

When I got to bed and curled up to steal all the heat from my ‘peripatetic hot water bottle’ my mind starts to do it’s daily ‘just as your drifting off random thoughts and ideas pop up’ thing. Man, writing this out I can see why going to bed is such a traumatic experience for me – am I alone in this craziness?

Anyway, ideas are popping up, but I now have my recent realisation “I am planning” (thanks to the Shiva Party with Joely) which I am absolutely rocking out with. Every time I spot myself rushing off into the future in my mind, trying to suss out all the ways things could play out and how to plan for them all, the little voice in my head that I love (the one that also says “Your kidding yourself here, James”) pops up and politely points out “You’re planning” and a big grin crosses my face.

The grin is because with noticing comes freedom. Suddenly the obsession with controlling what is going to happen (which, you know, is impossible) is just gone *poof*. All the thoughts rushing around that I then desperately want to capture? Planning. Notice it, release it and *poof* no anxiety. New thought, new anxiety, new noticing, new release, new *poof*. Repeat. But at least this time it leads to a descent into sleep rather than madness (I tried to write the thoughts down before – when I was still awake 3 hours later I decided that it wasn’t a good way to deal with the situation).

Success #3: Replacing control with curiosity

So, no, I haven’t done everything I wanted to get done today. But I did get lots done in the garden (which is good because the seasons aren’t going to wait until I’m ready). Rather than wait until everything is planned, which I admit I would do otherwise, I’ve been told that we’re buying the seeds tomorrow morning (sometimes life is so much easier when someone else decides you’re going to do something). So I’m going to do some last minute reading, then try and remember that “I am planning”, let go of trying to control how everything turns out, let go of my expectations and approach the whole thing with curiosity.

Success #4: Less shoulding on myself, more being with myself

With the awareness of “I am planning” (which, I realise is something people have told me over and over again before now, but it’s only now I understand why that I have a handle on it) a big chunk of guilt and pressure seems to have melted off as well. The planning? It was all because I was scared about not having a sense of direction as to what to do next (the whole life purpose thing) and because, as I tried to work out what that was, I was busy trying to look like I was doing constructive stuff until I got the answer. Except that’s the wrong way round. Frantic doing does not allow for calm being, and calm being is the way to start getting in touch with the little messages that I so want to hear. So planning is slowly being eradicated from the areas where it isn’t needed.

Success #5: I’m not broken and I don’t need fixing

As well as seeing how I’m fighting myself trying to present an image, I’ve also noticed that I actually knew what I needed the whole time. That when I listen to myself I get it right. That I know what’s best for me. In fact, I’m pretty darn awesome thank you very much and whatever stuff I have bundling around inside me it isn’t going to stop me being awesome. I like this feeling. Come on Universe, I’m ready – are you?