Dancing Geek

I haven’t written to anyone in a while.  Not on twitter, not on my blogs, not in the forums.  For some reason just thinking about writing makes me feel very, very tired.

I don’t know why, I’m doing lots of stuff offline instead at the moment (just jointly laid a laminate floor).

I’m feeling bunged up, literally and figuratively.  I’m also feeling disconnected, but I’m still reading about you all I’m just not out there being chatty like I usually would be.

I’ve been feeling bad about it all because I miss everyone, but right now I think I need to go inward more to come back out again or something like that.

Heh, even I’m not convinced by all that (apart from the ‘missing everyone’ part).

I don’t know what’s going on, but drowning might be a good analogy.  Why?  I don’t know, that’s just how it feels right now.

If this is too depressing, try Daily Bunny.

Today was pretty damn good.

Today I was in the flow.

I’d struggle to tell you any of what I wrote about without checking my writing, but for the first time that I can remember I feel like I really started to get a grip around how this writing lark will work for me.  I’ve spent so long just writing and coming up with various bits of gunk and bleurgh and yuck but today it felt like it flowed.

It made sense, it sprouted more thoughts, it made me go look up interesting facts in books I had read and then read a bit more of the book and understand a bit more of the book.  Insights rolled onto the page, patterns were found and laid out bare for inspection.

I don’t have anything in particular to show for it, not a finished project or piece of work, rather I have a sense of progression, of moving forward.  This, for me, is huge.  Having normally measured my progress according to boxes ticked and to-do items done, it was amazing to spend hours concentrating on something constructive but not necessarily productive.

I feel clear, fresh, like flowing water.  I feel like I managed to let go for a while, to float down the river and move forward in my crazy, haphazard, bouncy journey without needing to have a goal or endpoint set, but rather in the joy of the journey.

I captured lots of useful thoughts and insights to keep me going on my ever-changing path.  (So I guess I do have something to show for it, but they’re the jewels found along the road rather than the ever retreating prizes at the end of the path).

I’m not sure what it all means but I know that I liked it and I’m going to try and do it again.

I’d like to put some stuff together to share, but there’s no promises; as selfish as it may sound, this stuff is for me and until I get to a place where I’m stable enough to work from it has to stay that way.  Once I learn how to swim in this river then it’ll be a whole different game.

Bad news

I got the Yin Yoga DVD for Christmas (my mum found a UK supplier, which totally shamed me because I never even thought of looking!).  I tried it a few times and love it, it’s not focussed on muscles and strength but I’ve over 20 years of dance lessons which all focussed on muscles and strength, so I needed something new.  It’s about connective tissues, and I’m intrigued to see if it will be able to loosen up my hip joints (or whether my bone structure just says no to that happening).

I’ve tried each of the series on the DVD, but (as I just mentioned) I’m interested in the hip one mostly.  So last week I got it out again after a bit of a break because I was starting to feel a bit more active.  I’m getting a bit more of a feel for balance between getting stuff done and spending time reflecting. I did the hip series, but this time I got a tightness in my chest.  Now this feeling is not new.  I sometimes get it when stretching my glutes.  Well, I was getting it in a number of different positions, so I just rubbed my chest which seems to help relieve it, came out of the pose if it got too much, and kept going.

I then spent the week feeling crappy and run down.  I look ill, though I’ve no yucky symptoms; my calves and biceps ache (despite not really using them) and I’m tired.

Good news

It turns out that the tightness in my chest is a message that crap is being shifted, and I just worked it out.  This is a good thing, because now I have a clear way to query how my body is doing. I can do yoga in the future and if I feel the tightness coming on I can reduce what I’m doing to loosen up a little without killing myself for a week, and if it doesn’t come on I know that I can really release into the postures (still being careful of course).

One more bit of info in the journey of learning to listen to myself.