Dancing Geek

Crabbbbbb by zrim

Meet my Attachment Crab.  [Isn't he just beautiful?!  He's from the Galapagos islands, and the photographer claims no doctoring of the colours!]

In light of my amazing Munchkin conversation, I had another one today, with aforementioned Crab.  Thought I’d share it again.

—

Me: Hey fear, I’d like to talk with you if I may.  I know that I’ve been ignoring you recently and pretending you weren’t around.  I’m sorry about that but I really would like to know how you’re feeling.  Will you talk with me?

Crab: Maybe.

Me: Thank you for that.  I’d like to know more about you.  Is there anything that stands out as something you want to say?

Crab: Nope.

Me: Ok, that’s totally cool – I can get like that sometimes.  I can feel like it’s all the same, all very important but also all not worth it because it’s too much.  I’d like to let you know that I really am trying hard to start listening properly to my fears now and talking with them.  Do you believe me when I say this?

Crab: Yes.

Me: Wow, thank you for that trust.  I really appreciate that.  So, what I’d like to know is what are you afraid will happen if I let go?

Crab:  I’ll get lost.  I’ll float away and not know where I am.

Me: What is it about being lost that frightens you?

Crab: I can’t control what’s going to happen.  I can’t keep you safe from hurt & pain.

Me: Oh wow! That’s so kind. You’re working really hard to keep me from getting hurt, aren’t you?

Crab: *nods*

Me: That’s super nice of you.  Would you mind If I shared a bit of how I’m feeling?

Crab: Ok.

Me: Well, firstly, I’m aware that I can never really conttrol what happens, that I can influence what goes ion in the world around me.  I’m aware that every choice about that influence involves not taking other paths, every thing I get means not getting something else.  Because of this, I’m worried that by trying to control too much of what happens to me I’m missing out on a lot of possibilities and opportunities.  Also, I’m aware that a lot of how I feel about things that happen is under my control.  So if I change my focus from controlling what is happening to controlling how I feel about it, then not only will I be able to enjoy more good things coming into my life, but I will be able to avoid/reduce/be with the pain and use love to transform it so that I will be safer and stronger than before.  That’s what I think could happen.

Crab: Wow.  That would be very different.  Do you really think that would work?

Me: Yes, I do.  I’ve already done little bits of this.  I can control feelings of guilt, grief & gratitude.  I can summon love & compassion when I need them.  I feel afraid too that something might be too much, too hard, too soono, but I have some very good friends who can help & we can get lots of practice with small things.  If something too big comes up we can always retreat a little and prepare before going to face it.

Crab: Do you promise, that we can retreat for a bit?

Me: Yes, absolutely.  In fact, it would be great if you could help me remember when I need to shelter for a bit and I will ask the Memory Fairy to help me to remember to check in with you and keep listening.

Crab: Ok, well, it kind of hurts that you feel you need the memory fairy to remind you.

Me: Yeah.  I’m going to work with him on projects to remind me of you all directly.

*hugs all round*

—

So yeah, another conversation that left me feeling much calmer and happier.  As for the projects mentioned, I’m scouting for pictures that represent these characters to me, and the above gorgeous crab is perfect for my Attachment Crab, who is now changing roles.  When things get rough, or stormy, he will grab hold of a safety rope and pull us to a safe spot where we can either ride out the gale or prepare ourselves to face it – depending on what we need.

I love my crab.

P.S. Like with others who have written about their internal conversations, I do realise that I’m talking to myself, but it occurred to me that whilst I’m better at giving compassion and listening to those I percieve as others, rather than myself directly, this is an excellent way of working with that.  My tendency to consider my words carefully and notice their full meanings when talking with others can now be directed to myself, and particularly to my feelings of fear and vulnerability, who need to receive it most.  I wonder if I will end up with a menagerie of helpful little friends?

I’ve been reading lots of books recently.  One that I’m currently going through is The Paradox of Choice by Barry Schwartz, after seeing his video on TED.

Short version: choice is good, but too much choice is bad for us.

He talks about ‘maximizers’ and ‘satisficers’, and that in general we’re usually one in some situations and the other in others. (You following so far?)

As an example: when I shop for underwear, I go to Next (because that’s just where I always go) and get a few packs of whatever looks fun and not too ‘trendy’.  But when I bought my laptop, I spent hours constructing spreadsheets and comparing details and studying minutae.

Can you guess which is supposed to be better?

Of course, there are times when very careful analysis is best, however we tend to overuse it in our culture (US or UK and others).  His analysis is obviously much more supported by argument, but you can get a copy from the library if you insist on all that (like I do).  But he makes a very good case for working out what is good enough for you in any decision and then stopping once you’ve found it.

Just think about that for a second.

Yeah, wow, and ouch, and yuck, and holy crap, and oh my gosh.  Think of the free time you’d get, and the reduced stress of not trying to get ‘the best’ and ‘be perfect’ all the time.  Or even most of the time.  Or even only in certain areas.

So yeah, I wrote out where I thought I was maximizing (like my whole I-must-know-where-my-life-is-going journey type thing, and lots of other stuff) and then wrote for each one what good enough would look like.  And what do you know, some of them I’m already there!  Others are just a small distance away and others I can see I’ve still got some work to do to even get to good enough, but stick the 80/20 rule on that and hey presto my to do list just shrank by like 93%!

So, you willing to try taking something that’s been bugging you and ask yourself what good enough would look like?

I decided I’d try writing 3 pages by hand instead of going straight to blog today.  It turns out it was an amazing idea, even if I do have to re-type it now to share it.

The fact I can type quicker than I write doesn’t make up for the different feeling, and actually, it sometimes gave me the time I needed to see how I felt about something in order to respond.  Plus, it’s great practice in typing copy.

The following is the resulting written conversation with my Munchkin [with extra comments added in square brackets].

—

So I’m feeling stuck at the moment.  I’m not really feeling like I’m tackling stuff because I don’t really want to face it.  Part of me is shying away out of fear.  Can I talk to that fear perhaps?

Me: Hey fear, what’s up with you, how are you feeling?

Munchkin: Scared

Me: What are you scared of?

Munchkin: Pain, hurt.  I don’t want us to get hurt.

Me: What are you afraid we’ll get hurt by?

Munchkin: Memories, thoughts, feelings.

Me: But those things can’t really hurt us.  They’re just temporary, it’s not real except in our minds.

Munchkin: Yes, well that’s real enough.  And even if it’s just for a few days you know that feels like forever to us.

Me: That’s very true.  Even a small dip can feel really, very dark after a few days.  So I can totally understand why you’d want to protect me from that.  And thank you for looking after me.

Munchkin: That’s my job.

Me: Ok, well, would you mind if I explained how I’m feeling right now? [Oh wow, look at me, I listen first then ask if I can share.  I totally didn't mean to, I just didn't know where to start - this practice is awesome, it writes itself somehow.]

Munchkin: Ok.

Me: It’s just that because I’m not dealing with some of that stuff, I feel stuck.  And I’m feeling stuck for a lot longer than a few days.  I’m getting frustrated with us for not having cleared a lot of this stuff up already and that leads to me feeling depressed, which can also lead to several days of feeling very dark.

Munchkin: So even though I’m protecting you from one kind [of pain], that’s leaving you with another?

Me: Yeah.  Yeah, it is.  And that sucks for both of us, I totally get that [cause now Munchkin feels like he's failing].  And you’re totally not worthless, in fact you’re really helpful.  Cause I think if it all came at once I would be totally overwhelmed by it all.

Munchkin: Yeah!  Exactly!  that’s why I’m keeping it all stashed away! [Munchkin is now feeling heard and understood - yay!]

Me: And thanks again for looking out for me.  But I’m wondering if maybe I can ask you to do me a favour.

Munchkin: You can ask. [hehehe - I always say that too, I want to know what it is before I agree.  Clever Munchkin.]

Me: Well, what if, rather thank keeping them all hidden, which is also hurting me, what if we worked together to get rid of them, but one at a time.  Then you could relax, and I’d feel much happier.  I’d still need you around for a while, cause you do a really important job.  You really doi.  But I’m asking you to trust me with one or two of them on my own whilst you look aft erht others.  Would that be ok?

Munchkin: I guess so.

Me: Is there anything I can do to reassure you that I’ll be ok, that I can handle it?

Munchkin: Well, you could make sure you’ve got help & your friends are involved.

Me: That’s cool, I like having my friends involved.  [That would be you guys, by the way!]  Anything else?

Munchkin: I only want to give you one not too big one to start with.

Me: That’s cool too.  that way we can both see how it goes.  After all, I think that anger (not mentioned here) was a bit much for me, wasn’t it?

Munchkin: Yeah. I thought I’d never get that one back.

Me: Well ok, you pick a smaller one.  I trust you.  And we’ll see how we go, ok?

Munchkin: Ok.

Both: I love you!

—

This was totally awesome, and I felt so much lighter and free afterwards.  Because I’m also aware that I tend to forget these little mini-revelations and end up sliding backwards I had a further chat with the Munchkin and he introduced me to … The Memory Fairy!  (Ok, yes, there’s a part of me that is slightly ashamed of my use of Munchkins and Memory Fairies, but sod it it’s working right now, so roll with it, ok?)

I had a conversation with the Memory Fairy, and he’s going to help me to remember to talk to the Munchkin and co.  (It helps that he’s very handsome and clantily scad, what can I say it’s a damn good memory trick!)