Dancing Geek

I read a post by Havi recently which matched up with a couple of different threads of thought and led to a way to understand where I’m at right now. It was about being between beginner and expert, and how they deal with challenge. The idea is that beginners can find challenge anywhere, and experts will bring challenge to what they’re doing, but those in the middle can get caught in relying on others to provide the right amount of challenge, and thus lose their sovereignty. (Update: Havi’s written another post clarifying that my summary here is not really the point she’s making – but the thoughts it triggered for this post remain valid for me.)

Whilst I can see parallels that agree in my life, there have been times when I’ve wanted someone else to provide just the right dance class, just the Arabic language class, enough challenge to keep me interested but not too much that I have to work too hard! Yet for some things I find myself unable to manage both the level of challenge and dealing with the challenge itself at the same time. In these areas I would seem to be stuck in the middle ground, reliant on others to manage the challenge.

When stretching, I get a dramatically more satisfactory result if I have a partner who is applying the force of the stretch and I can focus on breathing through and relaxing into the stretch. When dealing with emotional & psychological upset I get a much better result if I have someone else guiding me towards the truth of the situation whilst I focus on being honest with myself and staying open and vulnerable. In both these situations, the amount of challenge needed to obtain the benefit is prohibitive to me both working through that challenge and managing the challenge, i.e. making sure I stay safe.

One of my stories is that I should be able to handle personal challenges like this on my own, that it is unacceptable behaviour to ask for help. It’s taken a long while for me to see that I really needed someone else’s support with my mental health, and I know that I’m not the only one with this story.

This doesn’t contradict Havi’s post, but rather add to it. Whilst someone may be giving away their power & sovereignty to avoid taking responsibility for their own progress, there is another situation where a person is neither beginner nor expert and genuinely needs help to progress.

Beginners need direction, advice on where to start, but can then get on with trying things out by themselves. Which textbook is good for beginners? What exercises are best for those new to pilates/yoga/ballet? How far should I go on my first run? What should I write about on twitter?

Experts can navigate themselves and stretch themselves according to their own goals. I can study proper use of the subjunctive in French grammar, practice correctly engaging my core in downward dog, adjust my movement to take pressure off a sore knee, and decide to reveal more or less about a particular aspect in my writing online.

It is the addition of this element of navigation that I think is key to what I’m feeling here. A good partner will take instruction from me, it is still my choice where I go, but they navigate while I drive. They can even help me keep taking personal responsibility for my own choices through gentle reminder and feedback.

Ribbed Beanie for any size head

I’ve been knitting a lot recently, and I’ve even gone and designed my own hat as a present for a friend. I wrote up the pattern to share online and so here is my Ribbed Beanie for any size head.

Simples.

It’s been a while since I’ve felt able to put anything in words.  In been a while since I’ve felt able to do a lot of things.

The fact that spending a week crashing with a student friend of a friend that I met once, and her friends, in Brighton and then spending all day out on the streets trying to squash, jam, bend, balance, run and carry a group of 21 people into unusual places was so damn easy to do is a lesson in itself.  This burbling ramble back into blogging however, is about something different.

What this post is actually about

I’ve spent the last 18 months trying to work out what I want to do.  Trying to follow the advice of ‘Follow you heart’ and ‘Do what you love’. Such aphorisms will never tell the whole story (another favourite of mine is ‘Let go’, because tritely spouting metaphor without any explanation is always helpful).  Still, the idea of tuning into what you want, and then doing it sounds quite simple.

Ok, it is simple. What it isn’t, is easy.

Semantics ahoy!

I’ve always been a bit pedantic about the definitions of words – I had an hour long argument with a friend in sixth form once (schooling at age 16-18, if you don’t know what 6th form is) all about whether or not the Universe contained Heaven (the fact I’m an atheist and don’t believe in Heaven was irrelevant, I can be pedantic and hypothetical all at once). He said no, I said yes. We argued and argued and argued and then suddenly, click. Basically, our answers were entirely dependent on our definitions of the word Universe. Mine was ‘anything and everything’, his was the subtly different ‘anything and everything physical’. At that point the whole argument became moot and we just agreed that we had different definitions of the word.  So yeah, I’m pedantic about saying what you mean and meaning what you say – and yes this is going to come together into some kind of point but I’ve no time to plan and edit because I might not feel like writing after dinner and I’ve been given my 5 minute warning before I have to go be sociable.

The semantics of ‘Follow your heart’

The general gist of these aphorisms is to know what you want to do, and to go and do them.  The semantics comes in on such innocent looking words as ‘know’, ‘want’, & ‘do’.

Knowing

To know something can mean several things, it can mean to decide or agree or understand, but note how these are all words to do with the brain, and thinking.  And the whole point here is to be in touch with your heart and feelings.  Better not-so-much-synonyms-as-just-other-words-to-help-explain-it-better might be recognise, notice, accept.

Wanting

As for wanting something – this is where the majority of nay-sayers jump on board with their own personal definitions of the word and scream all over anything you’re trying to communicate because you may have just pushed a hot button of theirs, oh deary me, do you think, no surely not.  Again, it’s a lot to do with understanding the words as being about the heart and not the head.  The head tells you what it thinks you should want, or ought to want, to keep you safe, part of the group, and anything else you might worry about.  The head tells you to want status, power and cash.  The heart wants joy, meaning, love, peace, contentment, exploration, adventure, and all those lovely things.

There’s another thing about ‘want’ however. The Moaners can be quick to argue about wanting things that are impossible (such as to grow wings and fly like in dreams) or restricted (like being a pilot when you have to wear glasses). Again, it can be seen as head vs heart.  Often the head has decided exactly how something has to happen for it to be correct.  The heart however is interested less in having wings or a job as a Navy pilot and more things like experiencing flight, heights, the wind rushing past you, freedom to manoeuvre in the air.  Once you can identify what it is about the experience that you want, you can find other equally good ways of fulfilling your heart’s desire even if your head is arguing the whole time that you’re not doing it the right way!

Doing

Then there’s ‘do’. And this one is the one that I have finally realised (like just today, just before I figured I would write about it here, this is fresh off the press, hot news kiddos).  To do something does not necessarily mean to do something constructive.  Shocker, I know. I’ve just totally changed your whole world view haven’t I? You’re reassessing everything after that paradigm shifting beauty.

Thus my tricky little title is lying (the old bait and switch).  It’s not Doing what I want vs Being miserable, but doing what I want means being miserable (sometimes).  Yup, the moping, lying about everywhere, not bothering to leave the house, sulking, being maudlin, avoiding the world, and all that stuff is exactly what I needed to do.

Now don’t get me wrong. It’s depression, it’s a medical condition, and I’m seeking treatment. It’s not happy, I don’t want it to continue, and my head sure as hell doesn’t want anything to do with it thank you very much (it’s sucking my status, power and cash right down the drain). But my heart is pretty damn clear that right now it needs a huge great big dolloping dose of feeling crappy and sulky and miserable and whiney and petulant.

Sure, I could help myself feel better (superficially) by doing exercise, going out, still taking care of myself.  Sure, I could be applying for easy work, running my own projects & looking for more projects to join, and even making more of an effort to stay in touch with friends and family. And yes, I’ve been told to do all these things.  And sorry, but no.  Because this is what I need. I need to feel shitty, I need to feel morose, I need to be depressed, and I need to learn from it all.

Some kind of ending type thing

One gentle reminder – this is just me and where I am now. I may change (correction, I will change) and it may bear no relevance or resemblance to anyone else’s experiences of depression or similar situations.  And that’s ok.

The point that I’m slowly allowing to eek out of my brain with all this is: I’ve been ‘Doing what I love’ all this time.  No the aphorism doesn’t fit the reality, but then they very rarely do (heck, aphorisms all seem to come in opposing pairs anyway: one man’s meat is sauce for the gander and all that malarkey).  Rather, I’ve been allowing my heart to direct my actions, and my mind has been serving my heart rather than the other way around.  Maybe my mind could do with learning better ways to express pain, sorrow & anger (and that’s all part of my current plan) than depression, withdrawal & boredom, but at least my heart is leading the way for once.

So yeah, I’m going to feel shitty for a while yet (and frustrated at how slow these processes are), but I will hopefully remember from time to time that all this is a step forward, movement in the direction that I want to be going, and though it hurts like hell at times, and leaves me numb, deflated and wrung out at others, it’s my choice, I choose it, I want it, and I’m ok.

Sidenote

I hate the misuse of aphorisms. They’re basically only useful as reminders for things you already understand, but they’re bandied about as learning aids (particularly in places like twitter and religion).  Doing what you love doesn’t mean always loving what you’re doing. Following your heart doesn’t always mean being blindly led by your emotions. And aphorisms are useful as simplistic reminders, but never tell the whole story and can lead you into a false sense of certainty.